diary, summer of '79

grappling with life issues in the immediate aftermath of a cult involvement

Copyright © 2023 by Paul Ford

This page follows chronologically from the website Mad After Krishna, which tells the story of my involvement in a destructive cult. It's based on a diary I kept during the summer of 1979, just a few months after my rescue and deprogramming.

The previous winter began for me as a hit-and-run driver knocked me unconscious in a pedestrian crosswalk on Venice Boulevard in Los Angeles.

As I was gingerly recovering from multiple wounds and a concussion, the Ayatollah Khomeini returned to Iran from his exile in Paris and put his stamp of approval on the ongoing anti-Western revolution.

The Hare Krishnas were secretly pleased at the victory of the Iranian religionists, even as they publicly opposed all forms of political and religious expression other than their own. Perhaps the ascendency of the ultraconservative clerics in Iran foreshadowed a similar change in India wherein the Krishnas would lead a Hindu fundamentalist government?

Meanwhile, my health, already weakened after years of grueling activities in the cult, continued to deteriorate.

Much time has passed, but as a reminder, some of the popular consumer products introduced in 1979 include the DustBuster, the Happy Meal, the Maglite, and the Walkman. Among the new products for the mind were the openly deceptive creation science and smoke & mirrors, which added to my already weary trepidations as a survivor of thought control.

Not to worry, however, as our would-be benefactors in the idea-creation business had invented de-stress and talk therapy that year.

Speaking of stress, there were long lines at the gas pumps during the summer driving season. It was the second such shock of the decade. Everyone was inconvenienced, but I remember that it made life especially hard for delivery drivers and mom-and-pop businesses.

A friend whose name I mentioned frequently in the diary cancelled a planned trip from Texas to Connecticut in part because of the restricted availability of gas.

A baseball game in the Bronx with family, a trip to the World Trade Center to attend a government hearing on cults, trips to the doctor and dentist after years of neglect while in the cult, my first support-group meeting with cult survivors, and my first deprogrammings, were among the activities I engaged in.

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All writers depend on those who came before. That's why reading and listening are so important.

The writing in this diary is basic. The starkness, frankness and immediacy of a journal, which are usually strengths, can also be weaknesses.

Overeager self-promotion, wildly optimistic thinking, blame-shifting, exaggerations, euphemisms, tautologies, and strategic omissions are all evident in the text as I read it today.

Nevertheless, it's my hope that out of the chaos of disjointed factoids and observations a larger truth will emerge. In this sense, parts of this journal may well resemble fiction, though not in a conscious way, more so than they resemble face-value non-fiction.

That is, the present piece, perhaps unbeknown to its author at the time of writing, is an attempt at some level to tell a larger, more reliable truth about the circumstances in question by way of a series of smaller, possibly less reliable truths.

To my eyes, certain parts of the diary have a kind of David and Lisa or Girl, Interrupted quality. The former movie was a low-budget hit in 1962 starring Keir Dullea and Janet Margolin. Dullea later starred in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Girl, Interrupted (1999) was derived from a personal account by Susanna Kaysen, who was born the same year as me and who also attended private schools on the East Coast. Winona Ryder starred in the title role and executive produced. Angelina Jolie earned an Oscar for supporting actress.

Both movies tell the stories of young adults consumed with emotional or psychological issues as they navigate what I called in my diary the "regular pandemonium" of the institutional mental health system.

The writing in the diary has a kind of scatter-shot, herky-jerky quality that reflects the semi-chaotic nature of the life I was leading at the time. There was, after all, much on my plate: recovery from five years in a destructive cult, learning a new way of socialization with peers in a non-cult environment, and making plans to complete my education and return to the mainstream workforce.

All of this was sometimes worsened by the mental, physical, and emotional demands of exit counseling and the provision of follow-up services to new people coming out of cults. The exit counselors are going into a family situation without much introduction, and they're going in at a singularly low point in the family's lives together.

Families are systems, as I'm sure any mental health professional would tell you, and any issues they may have had prior to the cult involvement can enormously complicate the work at hand.

Suppose a friend or family member falls into a pit. The instinct is to jump in after them and try to save their life, without much consideration for one's own safety. I would absolutely do deprogrammings again if I found myself in the same circumstances.

Of all of the activities I've been involved in, I'm most proud of my work in the deprogramming room. I'm blessed, thanks to my mentors, but also cursed with an understanding of the processes of mind control, as they're seen from the inside out. My years in the cult together with subsequent opportunities to help others have given me that understanding.

Cult leaders may think they're training the next generation of unquestioning and unthinking followers, but they're also training an army of passionate, dedicated, and highly motivated fighters against cults.

We survivors of destructive cults simply know too much, and we've seen too much.

The same passion and energy that was once directed toward the aggrandizement of the leader and his cult now animate the lives of anti-cult activists as they try to heal families torn apart by cults.

It's hard, but not impossible, to bamboozle someone who has been there, someone for whom the issues I raise in this piece are real and not theoretical.

I've also done the necessary reading, study, and writing.

One of the challenges for people recently emerging from cults is their tendency to fall into a kind of infinite loop of cult victimization, being deprogrammed, rehabbing, counseling others in rehab, and deprogramming others. We all want to help, but the problem with making this your life is that you never get out of the loop.

With this in mind, we never put pressure on anyone to participate in deprogrammings. On occasion, however, it's hard not to encourage a bright and empathic ex-member to get involved in helping others if that's their choice. And at other times it's equally hard to resist the temptation to try to slow down an ex-member if we believe that such a desire on their part is premature.

In the end, however, it's our job to support the client in their decision-making process. But support is the key. If they so desire, they can at first work as what I'll call a cult-specific technical advisor. If they like the work, they can move on to other positions.

With a few exceptions, I went into little detail in the diary about what goes on inside the exit counseling room. Cults were ubiquitous in American culture at the time and even more sophisticated coercive disinformation campaigns are just as common today, if not more so. Meanwhile, the mental processes involved in induction and its near-mirror image de-induction remain poorly understood. This is so both in professional circles and among the lay public.

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It's axiomatic in the field of rehabilitation and recovery that honesty in one's communication is among the biggest challenges any rehabber faces, sometimes equal in importance to whatever issue may be the immediate focus of attention.

Nearly four-and-a-half decades later, I recall my time in rehab mainly for the activities and friendships, and for what I saw as the relative lack of time spent specifically on thought reform, the ostensible reason for the ranch's existence.

My recent rereading of the diary has, however, revealed a different story. While a continuous and ongoing process of de-induction from a cult involvement is a necessary part of recovery, working through difficult interpersonal issues while accepting the challenges of a residential program can be the work that actually restores health.

One unfortunate aspect of my experience in rehab, as is evidenced below, was that it fostered a tendency in me to make instant psychological and psychosocial diagnoses in others. Some guests are offered the opportunity, after only a few weeks of residence, to become an instant social worker, cult addiction specialist, or special advisor in personal relationships.

Some of us even became the arbiters of everyone else's behavior. By dint of our happenstance battlefield promotions to the status of un-degreed junior counselors, we were at risk of inadvertently becoming in Lifton's words, "judge-penitent[s]" or "authorities without limit in dealing with others' limitations."

It's the job of the institution to set more appropriate boundaries.

Another pitfall of the rehab center is that clients often present with multiple issues, not just the single issue that's at the heart of the center's expertise.

In medicine this is called taking a complete medical history. A substance abuse center will be of little use to a client whose core issue is a cult involvement, and vice versa.

Located in Tucson, Arizona, Rancho Libertad was an attempt, however halting and uncertain on occasion in its delivery, and invented as it was on the fly, to gain or regain a sense of community — a non-toxic one this time — as we left our respective destructive cult experiences behind.

Our hunger as survivors of cults for perfect dystopian harmony and ever more rarefied levels of ideological refinement was suddenly replaced by the need to awkwardly balance our highly valued, recently achieved individual freedom on the one hand and our responsibility to our fellow rehabbers on the other.

The complicating factor is that those who have undergone the all-or-nothing emotional alignment of thought reform have a compromised ability, at least initially, to make the kinds of tough compromises that are necessary to build such a healthy community.

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Warning: Don't believe everything you read.

This is the only journal I've kept for more than a few days. I'd like to think that were I journaling today, I'd use fewer cliches, all-purpose intensifiers, and other lazinesses and sloppinesses that threaten the obscure the meaning of a work.

The entries below are an uneasy combination of lies both delightful and terrible, of half-truths, as well as undeniable whole truths, as I saw them at the time.

In a few cases, I smoothed out a sentence for readability or added brief explanatory material. In the latter case, such remarks are within square brackets. The parenthetical remarks below were in the original. Words that were underlined in the original are italicized here.

I deleted entries involving my family's finances or those that were of an otherwise personal nature.

I omitted the full last names of clients and coworkers, unless they chose to be public about their cult involvement. In one case, I used an entirely different first name for a client who was already using a pseudonym while in rehab.

Having awarded myself the privilege of being my own editor, I toyed with but rejected the idea of simply eliminating the outright lies. Under ordinary circumstances, this would be an effective strategy for gaining the reader's confidence.

Most of the mental health-related terms I used in the diary are still in popular usage. These include references to sleep disturbance (9 occurrences), depression (7), paranoia (4), anxiety (3), and emotional numbness (3). Perhaps bipolar would be used today as well.

My long and difficult periods of wordlessness in the company of others might today be called mutism or selective mutism.

I'm struck by how incomplete and disjointed my thoughts were back then, and how much I left out of the diary. Also by how much my life has changed over the years. I no longer immerse myself in the constant he-said-she-said of never-ending social activities, preferring to read and write solo or take long walks — the longer the better — in all seasons.

I'm also struck, however, by how little has changed in the intervening decades. I still struggle with many of the same issues: lives lived and not lived, and loves gained and lost.

I feel much of the same pain today as I did in 1979.

DIARY, SUMMER OF '79

Tuesday, May 29

[writing in New Canaan, Connecticut]

Today I got a very loving letter from my other half. Went to see Dr McKee about my nose, which is bothering me quite a bit. Both sides are closed, stuffed with ballooning polyps, no breathing [through the nose] at all.

Doctor said the polyps look fiery red, and the ever-present yellow infected mucus is dripping down my throat and out the nose. He took a nose & throat culture and put me on penicillin: one pill four times a day.

He can see no other way than to hospitalize, general anesthesia, and cut out all polyps in nose and sinus. He wants sinus x-rays. He said I'd be in the hospital for a few days, and there would be a lot of bleeding.

Katrina sent me the fudge recipe, from Ten Talents [a plant-based cookbook published in 1968] via Elaine and a half-dozen small posters of small desert animals (which I had left there) such as deer, eagle, bear, fox, etc.

I love Katrina so much and feel empty being separated from her like this. My letter to her was written on the same day, last Friday, so our letters criss-crossed.

I'm very enthusiastic about writing my story down. Today I bought some 3x5 cards to do it on — one thought per card — the sequence to be decided later. I'll type everything, so I can become a good typist. Everything but this journal.

Katrina says I love you in big letters and she can't think of anyone as good as me for helping people to come out. But I am kind of generally sick from this ever-dripping nose and I can't really think straight or breathe. Nevertheless, I'll go out on these deprogrammings at the drop of a hat.

I got my social security card in the mail today at last.

Yesterday (Monday – Memorial Day), I went into the City at the urging of Mom to visit George and later Ted. John Rossi was at George's, crashing, and I talked to him. He's been in school (got an MA and a little more) and is coming down hard off a breakup with a long-standing girlfriend.

He has matured somewhat and has luckily steered clear of cults but is a little crazy and likes to hang out with Billy and Marty.

The sun is shining on my body, and I'm a happy man. George met my train, took me up to his apartment, and accompanied me on Monday to Ted's. We walked the whole way [from the East 70s], Fifth Avenue, West Village, SOHO.

Ted and Tara are very nice together and have put a lot of work into their loft. We played Tara's guitar, drank champagne provided by George for the occasion of (a late celebration of) Ted's 29th birthday, and enjoyed a dinner (cooked by Tara) of broiled chicken stuffed with wild rice, broccoli with melted cheese, and coffee ice cream.

Didn't get into Ted's past history, what he's been doing for the last 10 years. Will some day. Next time.

Book writing is inspired by John Dean, Chris Edwards [author of Crazy for God], and others. Also George, who said I would be good at it.

Mrs G called saying her son was coming home, with another member, tomorrow night, and she couldn't get in touch with Joe. Had previously called her at Harold's request to give her info and assurances.

Wednesday, May 30

Last night I called Dad and inquired from him on several subjects. He agreed to have Allen [Tate] Wood see me for a half day, and pay for it. Allen will call me. He also said he would call his allergist (on my behalf), who did a good job on his nose.

Also, he suggested I get the Johnson O'Connor [career aptitude testing] results from Stevens [Institute of Technology in Hoboken, NJ] where I took the test in '67 or '68.

Donna called me (last night) and told me to stand by for going in on the Krishna deprogramming. And that Joe wants me to take the victim into Tucson. So today I spent the whole day packing up everything (too many possessions!).

In case I decide to stay on in Tucson (with Katrina and others), Mom can send out the rest of my stuff. Guitar, 1 suitcase, 1 bag.

Penicillin I'm taking is making me feel drowsy and a bit feverish, but it seems to be drying up my nose a little bit. Still no air through that nose suffocation.

Pam [Moore] called to change our date from Thursday to Friday. I told her to forget our lessons for the time being. She said to stay in touch. I like her and I think she may get interested in anti-cult. She would be very good.

I walked today only 50 minutes because I'm sticking by the phone.

George said last night to pursue the nose thing to the max, and I agree. Allen called tonight and we set up a meeting for June 11 (Monday). I am looking forward to this meeting.

Thursday, May 31

Never lose your freedom and independence, not for anyone at any time. This includes family, friends, boss, lovers, etc.

Mom says, "You really have to keep loose, I tell you," referring to the constantly changing situation here in New Canaan. Right now I'm sunbathing here in the yard and it feels great. How many rainy days to get this sunshine on my body!

There was no call from Donna. Received mailing from SUNY Purchase summer session (computers and ceramics a possibility) and Johnson O'Connor.

I can't do anything but think about Katrina — her name alone causes me to lose it. I love Katrina. But I think I'll hang out here for the rest of the summer. Have packed up everything for a possible move to Tucson if this job takes me there, and I'll go to NY and/or Princeton this weekend.

I know that I don't have to do anything I don't want to, though there may be so many bitter pills to swallow.

Friday, June 1

I am so fortunate to be here [in Wilkes-Barre, PA] with Bob, Joe, Ed, Woody, Tim, and Bob's brother, mother, and father. Bob is a typical Krishna member, 25 years old, 1 year in the cult, very confused but talked yesterday, his first day, to Joe, but in an argumentative way.

Today we talked to him, and he seems to be listening.

I love Katrina so much. I am deeply in love. So yesterday afternoon, after having waited for Donna's call for 24 hours, I went out to Dr Allen's for an appointment. She said I had the toughest sinuses she had ever seen. She recommended that I should apply a Vitamin C paste (made with [Vitamins] A&D fish oil) directly to the polyps. Also arborvitae — a herb — to the polyps directly to shrink them.

Then when I got home, I heard that I was wanted in Wilkes-Barre. I went out to dinner (steak) with Mom and Bill, caught a train to the City and a bus to Wilkes-Barre. Tim picked me up at 2 a.m.

I came here and Bob was sort-of asleep. Joe filled me in on the details of their talks. Tim had told about the details of the pickup and how they had to leave the other cult member alone.

Looking forward to getting Bob to the point of traveling, and then accompanying him to Tucson. He seems to be listening, rarely challenges, but harbors many programmed ideas. Rehab will be absolutely necessary and fairly long, although he has a sound mind, a good family, and excellent help from Tim, Joe, and Co.

This deprogramming activity is everything that I thought it would be but now I'm experiencing it for real. Bob is coming along, eating, talking, thinking a little. Dad cried all day yesterday and Mom was crying this morning.

Motel rooms are so depressing but it's the best we can do — a necessary evil. I'm learning a great deal about mind control from being here with Tim & Joe.

Saturday, June 2

We watched some TV last night, and Bob had some coffee (forbidden in group). Slept a little last night. Difficult because of excitement and discharging nose — especially nose. We've got to get this gentleman back on his feet and see Katrina (and see Katrina) and get Bob started on rehab.

I would watch cartoons but I've got a book to write. I sure would like to keep on going out on deprogrammings but I must take care of my nose first. I can't even talk, think, or sleep properly now. (snoring bothers others)

Saturday afternoon: Sometimes Bob is challenging us but he does not know Gita [Bhagavad-Gita As It Is, the Hare Krishna Bible] well. A one-year victim is pretty indoctrinated. He's asking, 'Well, what then is absolute [if not Krishna Consciousness]' and points out slight errors in our presentation.

I love that very beautiful woman in Tucson so very much. My heart has melted. Nose problem makes it more difficult to do this work or any other work. I love Katrina. I'm looking forward with great anticipation to taking Bob on down to Tucson, Arizona and get him started [in rehab] & see my good friends. Bob is a tough case.

Sunday, June 3

Mind control is so insidious. You go through so much trauma it's incredible while you're in, and coming out I literally don't know what to do except help others coming out.

If they get any other Hare Krishnas, I want to be there.

Bob's sleeping today, which is good. He asked for coffee yesterday, and asked for more. Very good. But we've got to get some protein in that thin, frail body & brain. (Not as bad as I was when I came out.)

We're about to shove off for Tucson, Arizona, but it is touch-and-go with Bob. Mad drive to Philadelphia airport and we missed our flight. I am feeling a little crusted over and uncommunicative.

I love Katrina. Mrs G is Irish and talkative, Mr is quiet but pretty strong. Tim is almost gregarious & Bob is spaced. Woody is crazy but very likable and dependable. Joe & Ed were right behind us.

We went out for dinner and it was very mellow with Bob eating some shrimp [forbidden in the cult]. Called home to let Mom know I'll be away for 5 to 7 days.

Monday, June 4

Regular pandemonium.

Enough has happened today to fill an entire book. I think that this is an indication that life is getting very rich and full very quickly.

Slept a little last night in the Philadelphia motel after a long, grueling 2 or 3 days in the motel room. We just watched TV and passed out, woke up and got to the airport for a 9:00 a.m. flight. Said goodbye to Joe and Tim at the airport.

Nasal problems making everything worse. Also, I saw Dad at the airport but couldn't say hello without breaking from the group. So security men Woody & Ed along with Bob, Mom, and Dad and myself flew nonstop to Phoenix (in a 707), where we were met by Doug & [his] Caddy.

2 hours drive, partly in the rain, and I was never so happy to get out of a car in my life. Katrina['s car] was stuck down the road from the ranch & Doug stopped (my heart pounding), but I didn't go over to say hi, too scared and I didn't want to leave Bob. Always staying within a few feet of Bob.

We got to the ranch where Elaine, Amber, Cindy, Jim (Cindy's brother), Mort, Chris, etc. were there.

Doris [wife of George H] is 100 percent heart. Then Katrina came in with Jim K & I talked briefly with them both. Then Ginny and Mark came in. Went out for a short walk with Woody and Ed.

Decided to stay with Bob the first night. All the activity was getting to me — this is literally an insane asylum, and Katrina said if it was me coming in the first day, I would want someone to stay with me. Did the men's laundry. Talked to Bob a little about loaded language but he still won't verbalize.

He ate the dinner, tasting the roast beef, and played pool and records with gusto with some [of the] others.

Later, after I had gone to bed early, he played the piano and it was very satisfying to me to hear it. Still I couldn't sleep, I was worried about Katrina being unstable and how much I want her.

I was so wired from the travel I couldn't sleep for 2 or 3 hours.

Tuesday, June 5

Katrina wasn't really ready for me to come here so soon. That makes two of us.

Got up at 5:30 just like in the old days [in the cult]. All doors & windows were locked. Lifted a light set of weights later.

By Tuesday morning, I was pretty burned out. Katrina came over and we went out together. Finally, what I've been dreaming of for months, just me and her. So I told Ginny I wouldn't be there to take care of Bob.

Had done a little yoga at dawn. So Katrina and I went over to the apartment [an apartment maintained by the center], [and] plopped down on her bed.

Then we went to the health food store and then we went to Manhattan [1979, starring Woody Allen & Diane Keaton], which she thought was funny.

Katrina was a bit tired so we went back to her apartment & she rested. I played guitar with Chris. Then Doug, Woody, and Ed came over.

Katrina was feeling mixed up & said she had to deal with just having been with me & other things. I caught a ride back to the ranch with the men for dinner.

After dinner Ginny took me aside and told me how Bob was not doing well, spouting programming in afternoon rap session, and that Mark & I were to confront him in the heaviest possible way, which we later did in the office, with no visible result.

Ginny also confided about her relationship with Chris and that Katrina had shared with her about me. Ginny said that Katrina has yet to fully deal with the problem of her ex-husband or deal at all with her ex-boyfriend. And, from what I understand, you can throw in Mom & Dad, too.

Wednesday, June 6

Virginia: "You don't have a divine mission to accomplish any more."

Today I rose and did an hour of yoga out by the pool, came in for eggs & sausage and then went in with Ginny & Mark for a session with Bob. Ginny was heavy & loving, and I talked as strongly as I could, with no visible progress, but he was talking.

In the late morning, I sunned myself in the incredibly intense Tucson June sun and swam for exercise and talked a little with big Woody & Ed. Then played guitar and laid on [a] raft and put lemon juice in my hair.

Then lunch and an afternoon session on J Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? [a self-help book written by a Catholic priest] with Mark, Mort, Cindy, Bob, Norma, and later Ginny. Bob was improving & later Ginny told me she was happy with his progress in coming out of it more.

Then Katrina called. She had gotten her car fixed. She came over and took me out for a hike on the Saguaro National Monument. It was warm, but great to finally get out there & with my loved one, Katrina.

We came to some heavier understandings. No sex for the time being. I have to let her have lots of space and work out problems, tactical and emotional, with relatives and friends. We love each other and think the most of each other.

Katrina hinted that Ginny had confided to her that she (Ginny) had love feelings toward me. We sat on a big rock and hugged & kissed.

She's very passionate & adores physical affection, which I love to give. Katrina dropped me off at the ranch, didn't come in. She was going back to the apartment to take care of some things alone.

I had dinner and played guitar furiously to the sunset and after-light. Such exercise (1½ hours walking) and swimming feels good. Ginny socked it to my head the other day about not trying to get so much accomplished so fast.

And on the deprogramming raps, I go now until I start getting burned out and then quit, no farther. Because then I'm ineffective. What they need is a whole, happy person, not another burnout.

So I'll talk to Doug, Ginny, Chris, and George [H] before I go. How Elaine does it I don't know.

Meantime, talking to Bob as needed, swimming, lifting weights & sunbathing. And I hope every day to see and kiss Katrina, as she's ready for it, and do things with her then when Tim comes through get the ticket for NY, go back to Connecticut, set up the nasal operation, set up meetings with Wood, Davis, and Aunt Renee, keep on writing, take the Johnson O'Connor tests, read the newspapers, watching TV news, lifting weights, going for walks, try to make some friends (how?), keep in touch with Pam, and then hook up with Joe on a Krishna deprogramming that would bring me back to happy Tucson.

Mark is making popcorn. Bob's parents (crying) left this morning, thank god. Bob was totally neutral, numb, as I was.

Thursday morning, June 7

Later last night I talked to Ginny & felt closer than ever. She confided her problem of loving Chris very much, to the point of wanting to marry him, and how she thought his interest in theater was a theatrical escape route.

I found myself saying, "There's more than one fish in the sea ..." when she said that all the guys in the world weren't up to stuff except an ex-Moonie. Easy advice to give, hard to follow myself.

I told Ginny of Katrina and my decision to have sex and she said there are certain things to do (contraceptives). I drank about 5 glasses of iced tea last night. I was pretty dehydrated from the hike (4 to 6 p.m.)

So I went to bed kind of early, following Bob, and again I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, thinking of Katrina & formulating a scheme to stay in Tucson & get everything done here. Woke up this morning with about 9 hours of sleep, went out and lifted weights & did yoga. Had breakfast, played a little guitar alone by the pool, vacuumed boy's room & hallway and then Doug took me in the office for a talk.

He said not to consider making a living off of deprogramming. And no chance of working at the ranch as the other counselors have already called for the empty spaces if someone leaves (they are only working 3 to 4 days each).

He recommended getting all loose ends pulled together at home before coming out to Tucson, should I decide to make the move. I would have to have a job skill, lots of money in my pocket & all loose ends taken care of before coming.

The summer (& fall) are nice back East, and also Katrina needs lots of time & space. So I called Joe's Mom, and charged it to Mom & found out they mailed my ticket and pay 3 days ago & it didn't arrive at Doris's today.

So as soon as I get the ticket and pay and take care of loose ends here — talking to Chris & George [H], I'll head back to Connecticut & start first thing on the nose. Then R Davis, A Wood, typesetting, Johnson O'Connor, Aunt Renee, Tom & Ellen, meeting some women, then maybe come back to Tucson.

All day I'm feeling very uncommunicative and scared. Couldn't be open with Doug.

Friday morning, June 8 (writing about Thursday)

I felt a very great need to weep oceans of tears, but I couldn't.

In the late morning I slept. It was the usual terribly disturbed sleep. All day and all night I can smell this fuming stench coming off the high-grade infection blockage in both sides of the nose. Mind is reeling at all times.

After my nap I went out to the pool alone after avoiding the lunch happening. Irritated by Virginia's iron fist.

Later I sat down to read and play guitar, alone. Katrina came over and talked to Ginny for an hour before taking me out for a walk. Sometimes I actually cannot speak because of the blockage, but mostly it is emotional.

Beyond this, the whole problem is caused by unreleased emotional stress.

Then Katrina took me out for a hike — we drove to the end of Speedway and she was freaking out over my not saying anything. Went for 10 or 15 minutes at a time without saying anything.

Katrina was very hurt at having her supposed lover being so cold and insulting (by his silence).

Very occasionally, as we were standing along the desert park path, I would, with very great difficulty, say something, which would come out so softly I could hardly hear [it] myself, and immediately cry.

I found out that Katrina doesn't have the faintest idea what I'm going through, in terms of periodic lapses into total paranoia. Also she won't, and never would, tell me anything about her parents or her boyfriend or her present attempts to deal with them.

So there I was in the middle of the gorgeous desert at gorgeous sunset with Gorgeous Katrina feeling the most intense paranoia. At one point I thought she was going to abandon me there, and at another, that she was going to kill me.

So she alternated between disgust, humiliation, parental counseling, personal pleas, and feeling hurt. She drove me back to the ranch, where I plopped down in front of the TV with Bob, George [H], and Doris.

Then went to get a bite to eat — at Elaine's insistence, played guitar by myself and went to bed to sleep a very rocky 8 hours — an improvement nonetheless.

Dreamed that Joe had mailed me a return plane ticket, a check for $952 ($100/day), & a rental car key, and a little white pill I thought was LSD.

Woke up to the reality of nothing in the mail, did yoga outside under cloudy skies and wandered around in a daze all morning until the group (minus Katrina who is off) went out to Mt Lemmon.

Drove and drove, getting out briefly to sightsee or have a picnic lunch. I detest riding cramped up in a car all day, even if it's [to] Mt Lemmon.

I finally was able to talk a little but the stench was killing me. When we got back, Katrina was here, and she agreed to walk, without driving.

We walked almost to the picnic area at the base [head] of the footpath and back, during which time she shattered me inside — exterior very calm, cool, aloof, and charming by telling me she didn't have love feelings anymore, she regretted ever going to bed with me, she thought I was leaning on her, telling me straightforward to stop wasting time and get my act together, etc. and that she wouldn't be able to talk to me for the next week because she's working, and she loves me in a brother/sister way.

Only open door: we'll be in touch ([by] letter, phone) after I leave. I was thinking that this is the result of someone (possibly Chris, Mark) putting her up to it.

So we got back to the ranch, and I could see very clearly that Katrina has gotten herself very much together, everyone says so, and she has everyone's trust, both personally and professionally, laughs a lot, socialized easily, and so on.

She was never under mind control as such, but had unusual family problems. Anyway, to whatever extent our relationship developed, it opened up for me a whole new field of life's experience in the area of caring, giving, receiving, love & affection.

In love relationships, I'm about 15 or 16 years old, or less. I feel miserable. I feel trapped here with no return ticket and just going insane staring at these asylum walls.

They had a staff meeting and didn't invite me. I haven't talked to Bob in 2 days.

Saturday afternoon, June 9

Last night I had a hard time sleeping — my first [after my] break-up with Katrina. I decided not to have anything more to do with her. That woman is trouble (though I have loved her). Her problems I would have to take on, and I know she's not delighted with all the floating I do and all the problems I have getting started in life.

We did a very professional half-hour of yoga with Katrina teaching and Bob, Cindy, and myself learning. Then I went over to lift weights (bench press 65, shoulder 55, curl 45, pullover 35). Katrina came over and told me that Chris and I were to stay back from the weekly Saturday hike to talk to Bob.

Sunday morning, June 10 (writing about Saturday)

Ever since I've been here, I haven't done one thing to open up my future.

Chris started talking to Bob, and I started freaking out, hearing Bob say nice things about the cult, so I couldn't take it and I wanted very much to go on the group hike.

Tomorrow I stretch and lift weights before going out to the airport [and] call Doris. Anyway, yesterday, Saturday, I went to Doug and said I couldn't talk to Bob and he said 'I can understand that' and that I could come on the hike and talk things over later, which I have no intention of doing and never did.

So we went on a nice, short hike along the path that starts at the end of Speedway. Doug, myself, Norma, Mort, Cindy and Katrina went. Chris and Bob stayed back to talk.

I was avoiding Katrina like anything. Wouldn't let [her] touch me. There won't be any more touching, talking, looking or letter writing. It just tears me up inside to hear Katrina talking happily and relating normally and being industrious around here.

We are no good for each other and I think we will both be better off without the encumbrance of a relationship with each other.

I am almost totally numb to everything — others' feelings and my own.

On the hike I got a finger full of cholla [a species of cactus native to the Southwest] spines. Didn't say a word the whole time. Doug yanked them out several at a time with tweezers. Can't smell or think.

The hiking group got back to the ranch, and I went swimming, later got some lunch, ignoring Katrina who obviously wanted to speak to her ex-friend or ex-lover who had suddenly turned insultingly silent.

Went for a walk on my own at 2 p.m. Again Katrina begged me to talk to her but I just turned my back again and started walking.

George [H] pulled up with my letter from Joe, which contained a check for $500 ($250 expenses, $250 salary).

By 5 p.m. I was back from a solo walk around the loop at the monument (10-11 miles). Very hot sun, exercise, steady walking, very invigorating and healthful. I got back, took a shower and started writing in this journal.

Then Katrina came in, just as I was thinking that it was all over and I would never speak to her again. So I guess I just wanted to get out of the house, and I agreed to her proposal for us to go together to the store.

All the way down, and all the way back I didn't say a word despite repeated requests, flattery, inquiries, etc.

At this time Katrina is a hundred or a thousand times stronger than me. She was reaching out to me in the most giving way, and I was not to be touched either mentally or physically.

I reluctantly let her put her hand on mine, but I wouldn't budge an inch. Inside I was going through the most intense turmoil. Outside — granite-like façade.

So Katrina was hurt herself (she has feelings), but she was hurting more for my obviously grave hurts. That is her magnanimous position.

So we got back & had a lasagna & salad & red wine dinner. This meat (= protein) less diet is causing me to float a lot. There's nothing like a steak to bring you back to reality, for an ex-Krishna.

Later at night (Saturday) I phoned for a plane reservation (1 p.m. TWA) and asked Doris about cashing the check. She agreed and it's set up for tomorrow (Monday).

Went to bed early, and had a rocky sleep — just like each and every night since I've been out. I don't get no sympathy around here.

Sunday, June 10

"Illusions die hard and it is painful to yield to the insight that a grown-up can be no man's disciple."
Sheldon B. Kopp

"There is nothing more painful than insult to human dignity, and nothing more humiliating than servitude. Human dignity are our birthright."
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Woke up this morning & Katrina was exercising alone outside. So I did my yoga indoors, then had a little breakfast & went out to swim. The group was going to go hiking, my favorite activity, but George [H] asked me to come with him shopping.

I knew he just wanted to talk to me. So he said I seemed very morose and I should at least talk about it. So I told him about my operation & he sympathized and he said to get cracking on the employment front.

Later we discussed Bob's position, and I talked to Bob a little at Doug & George [H]'s request. This was the first time in a few days I talked to anyone.

I told Doug about Bob's position, marked improvement since arriving but he's still not completely deprogrammed. Some lingering attachment to cult ideas, personalities, activities, etc. But he's eating fish, eggs, and even meat easily, wants to get involved in [rehab] group activities.

Bob agreed to sign the power of attorney papers, no problem. He agrees that he is here of his own free will. Whew!

I couldn't or wouldn't help him very much, but he'll probably make it, with Virginia's incisive one-on-ones about group programming.

It'll be a long, long time before I come back here again.

Bob plays guitar better than me already.

I discussed with Doug and George [H] the idea of guests keeping a diary such as this one, for individual and therapeutic reasons.

Katrina drinks sometimes, smokes dope sometimes, doesn't manage her money very carefully, and has a very screwed up past life. Still I love her in the most intense way possible.

I need to weep about 135 lbs (pints) and then be scooped up off the puddled floor with a snow shovel. One's cult miseries and sufferings, which are much more intense than any suffered on the outside, don't end at rescue or even deprogramming or even rehabilitation.

Very real psychological blocks are there in my case up to the present and will, I strongly suspect, continue for anywhere up to 5 years or beyond. [!]

Got lots of sunshine today — I brown like a piece of toast.

I'm thinking of using my trust money to order, a year in advance, a Rabbit VW. I'm afraid I'm taking our breakup rather hard — it is very difficult for me to be around Katrina at all — I unconsciously call her name quite often, in moments of distress or confusion.

Same pattern: all this distance between myself and people and nasal problem aggravates it even worse. When will I ever take Katrina's well-meant advise and do things that will help me progress toward a well-chosen goal, as a practical means to displace the [cult] programming (and the only way).

She is doing this. The world is full of women, and one who is in (or just out of) rehab is about the worst possible choice. My feelings are so strong, however, that it is all-or-nothing: either lovers or nothing at all & I have chosen (and, to an extent, her also) the latter.

We both want and need to grow separately and that includes having the space of being able to single or choose a mate from the field as it unfolds. Better that way.

So no more nothing, not even letters.

Had a hamburg dinner tonight, after which we all went to the Pops orchestra concert in the park, followed by a drive out Speedway to overlook the city. Beautiful, moon nearly full and a warm night.

This writing every day is improving my ability to write the language clearly. I know that I can do almost anything, as long as it's within the range of my given abilities. And I know that there are some very special and wonderful women out there waiting for me.

George [H] said that he had some "disappointments" before he met Doris, but breaking up with them allowed him to meet his one and only.

It'll be nice to get back to Mom and Bill after a hectic week and ½. Emotionally draining. I'll charge up my batteries, no matter how painful, and then take another fully determined crack at getting moving on the job front.

Job means money means independence.

Called Mom and she said to take the limo to Connecticut. If not then go into George's. Dr McKee said that the culture was not bacterial and he didn't know I was taking [the] penicillin he prescribed(?)(!)

Bob handled the concert all right tonight. Today Katrina invited me again to accompany her to the store, and I declined. I'm always pushing her away.

Monday, June 11

I want to meet a woman who has never seen the inside of a cult or a rehab house.

Went to bed early, as usual, and got up early, did yoga indoors, outside door locked. Later lifted weights and had a really fine session in the intense sun.

Got a little breakfast. My stomach is in knots. I can't eat or digest much. I wrote down some fantastic ideas in my book and it made me feel better. Katrina came out again once more to try to talk to me, but I wouldn't even look at her or answer her.

So she said it was making her angry. She is so strong, she is taking it much better than me. I know she has shared her part of the hurt with others — something I don't feel I could ever do.

She is very mature, and in a completely different ballpark than me in terms of personal growth.

So later I was sunning myself on a raft in the pool and Mark came out to deliver his rap to me. The whole time I wouldn't look at him or say a word. He said it was terrible not to show a friend even a tiny bit of respect.

George [H] asked me to make a plan of attack for when I get home, so here goes: (0) no spacing out, floating, chanting or meditating; (1) first order of business is nasal operation & recovery; (2) Johnson O'Connor, meeting with Allen Wood, Aunt Renee & others; (3) get teeth straightened and fixed; (4) pursue full-steam whatever career (job) I decide; (5) make the move out of the house and into my own pad.

Got [my sister] Greta a birthday card. Will mail it from NY. Will mail back unopened any letter from Katrina.

Back to Mark's monologue: when I say how much the staff was helping the guests (even me) and how friendly they were with each other & how Katrina was always doing something constructive or just laughing and being herself, enjoying the activities or work, I totally freaked out and wanted to leave immediately.

Katrina kept asking me, "Why to you want to leave?" So Mark said I was hurting myself most of all. I have no respect for myself. It hurts to reach out and not have the person respond. I'm feeling sorry for myself, pitying myself.

People will feel sorry for me for a time, but will soon become disgusted and pissed off. And that he (Mark) was saying this because he sincerely wanted to help me.

The way I'm handling a problem with a woman is very childish, he said. It seems that all your hopes & plans are shattered, and this has also happened to me a couple of times. Felt miserable before Mark's rap, during and after.

Got dressed, waited for George and got a lift from George to the airport. Cashed the $500 check and bought a ticket to NY. Got on jet alone and stopped over 1 hour in Chicago — didn't get off. Possibly Krishnas in O'Hare airport.

Landed at LaGuardia, called George, got bag, took taxi to George's & rapped with George for hours on the deprogramming & what went down in Tucson. Revealed the gist of my problems with Katrina.

This was the first talking I had done in several days. George said the bed thing was probably a very severe blow for her and that I should write or call & be brief, honest, and happy. State briefly what went wrong & then be open & straightforward.

Her dealings with husband, etc. are none of my business. Don't try to put everything into a relationship. Don't burn any bridges.

George prides himself on [still] being able to talk to every girl he ever went out with. It's nice to have friends. They can save you time by pointing out the obvious when it's not obvious to you, etc. Great session.

We both passed out about 1:30 a.m.

Monday, June 11, addendum

This book is 100% self-pity — YECH!!

"You have to build up a relationship."

Katrina said, "The Paul I know is interested in finding out things."

There is no doubt about it — my nose is 40% better in Tucson than in Connecticut.

Point: the staff at Tucson rancho don't have many if any friends outside their own circle. Reason: you can't tell anyone else about what we're doing.

Katrina expressed this: "I don't like being illegal." And I agree, except that often-misused concept of "higher purpose" which I am not sure about. But every man must follow the dictations of his own conscience and that is the highest priority.

One very good thing to know — when to stop eating. I hate NY.

Doug said the ranch is 10,000 or more in debt. Gave Jim K a copy of [Robert J] Lifton's NY Times article and received addresses and phone numbers of anti-cult info & help groups.

No excessive intoxication is very good for me even if it is one of the cult "principles" [Krishna rules]. They said as soon as I got home, I'll regret not taking the time to talk to my friends in Tucson. This paranoia & not talking to anyone is a worse state of mind than Bob was ever in since I first saw him.

Doug said that if a man is very independent & self-sufficient, women can sense this and are attracted. I have found over and over that ["if A then B" is logically equivalent to] if ~B then ~A.

Doug: a good roll in the hay never hurt anyone. As long as no one gets hurt by it, it's okay.

Tuesday, June 12

NYC struck me as dirty, insane, and uninviting, especially to live there.

George got up early and I slept until 7:00 o'clock, showered, got a bowl of cereal, called Mom, and took off for Grand Central on foot. Caught the 9:05 to New Canaan and arrived here by 10:30. Mom was out at her German lesson, and I unpacked everything, including two pieces I had left behind.

Spent much of the afternoon calling doctors and shopping for books and groceries. Feel a slight shift (maturing) of perspective. I'm more determined, but not perfect, to make a go of getting out of here, which would be my goal.

Just temporarily using these facilities, not permanently.

George said about me & Katrina — the table can turn. Now she seems more together & I am having problems — later vice versa maybe.

Main thing is to be confident, do what you want, be strong enough to be honest & gentle, and women (not just a woman) will be attracted.

Had dinner with Bill & Mom — Japanese wok chicken & broccoli over rice with wine and ice cream — delicious. This followed a vigorous 1-hour walk to the tennis courts and nature center.

After dinner, started to type cards for book. Did 20 minutes of yoga before retiring to write in journal. Goodnight. I love Katrina.

Wrote the most exciting letter to Katrina today. I cried reading it to myself today. Apologizing for deliberately hurting her. Begging for her to come back, telling her I love her. Telling her she's not at fault for bed failure, I think she's sexy, etc. Enclosed 2 flowers from back yard.

Love is the sweetest thing — sometimes very bitter though. I should have included in the letter that I think she is very capable, which she is. A very good counselor which takes a good heart and a willingness to work hard.

Wednesday, June 13

Wednesday I got up and went with Mom out to Stamford for her German lesson. I went on to Dr Allen's where she and Lou worked on my blocked bodily energy centers together.

They didn't do a thing for my nose except give me the [illegible] from NYC, which stings like anything. My body wasn't ready, after the dislocation & emotional trauma of the trip.

Meantime I read some of the first chapter of Reality Therapy [Glasser, 1965], which strikes me as right on. Especially the statement that everyone has the basic need to love and be loved, a conclusion which I had more or less come to on my own, when I was with Katrina in April.

Came back, had lunch (doctor said I needed lots of protein), so we had leftover chicken dish. In the afternoon I went out shopping & bought myself a leather belt with buckle, Glasser's other book, a weight-lifting bench ($38), and a pair of Adidas tennis shoes, and some plastic 3x5 card boxes for my book.

Have begun to type some 3x5s for the book.

Had dinner (hamburg) with Mom & Bill, went for a very brisk 60-minute walk around town, and called a young man in Cleveland, ex-Hare Krishna, whose mother was worried that he was floating.

I told him specifics about the cult to try to get him to see how bad it is. 30-minute call. I hope he does all right.

I got a very dark tan in Tucson.

Have begun again to read NY Times daily.

Thursday, June 14

Today I awoke thinking that it is not such a big thing to get laid. I remember all those girls [having sex], without making me sign on the dotted line.

Some I knew little more than their names. Of course, that was the West Coast, and times have changed a bit, but not that much.

I love Katrina, but I could love someone else, or else I'm deluding myself or selling myself short with self-pity. You have to have your own place, and to this end I'm going to make an all-out effort to get out of here a.s.a.p.

I'm relying on my mother, which I cannot do forever. Went out to dinner (filet of sole), with Mom & Bill. Took an 80-minute walk at dusk and put my head into the typesetting manual at night.

Friday, June 15

Morning: woke up early, did yoga and lifted weights and got on the 10:50 train for NYC and Dr Lewis's office (ear, nose, and throat). He kept me waiting almost two hours, recommended x-rays and a more major kind of surgery including removing the roots of the polyps.

Grabbed a roast beef sandwich and came back to New Canaan where Mom & Bill were just getting ready to leave for Europe. I'll take care of the house, and she'll call in a week or so.

As soon as they left, I got some dinner, and later began to compose another letter to Katrina.

Saturday, June 16

Saturday morning I arose, did 20 minutes of yoga, finished the letter to Katrina, mailed it and went grocery shopping. Now I'm sunbathing. George called and said he would come out in the afternoon, so I did some more shopping and took a walk and went to meet George.

He had a slight cold, and we had dinner and watched a Yankees ball game. Dad called and I agreed by mistake to go to a ball game with him, Eric, Nancy, George, and Tom.

Sunday, June 17

Woke up late (10 hours [of] sleep!) I'm beginning to sleep more again after a wretched time in Tucson (4-5 hours/night). Lifted weights, did yoga, had brunch. Sat around and talked with George about energy and finances all day.

Had dinner with him, walked him to the station, and went for a 60-minute walk alone, came back and worked on my book for ½ hour. Played guitar for ½ hour. Nose drops every 3 to 4 hours. To bed early.

Father's Day and I forgot to call Dad. Bob & Bill Patton [Jr] called. Good father/son relationships.

Monday, June 18

Woke up at 7:30 after 8 hours of sleep, did 20 minutes of yoga, had breakfast, read the paper, ordered 2 pairs of pants and sleeping bag and liner from LL Bean on Mom's credit card, went out for a 50-minute walk, took my shrunken chinos in for lengthening.

At noon Gael Parks called & she heard about my nose troubles, and agreed to see me Friday.

Got some lunch & sat out in the sun. Wasted the whole afternoon. Called Dr Lewis, his secretary promised me he would call at 6, which he never did.

Late afternoon — played songs.

Took a 15-minute walk — it was threatening rain, so I came back & cooked some scrod for dinner. Watched TV news 6 to 7:30, sat down after dinner and worked on my book for an hour.

Went to bed early.

Tuesday, June 19

Woke up 7:30, lifted weights and did yoga 8 to 9, had small breakfast. I have been overeating since I've been alone here. Took an hour walk and got back in the noon sun, and [had] a little lunch. Overeating like anything.

Wednesday, June 20

Sat around, slept, walked 2 hours, watched TV news, read Times, spaced out all day. Worked on book 1 hour, reading other books.

Made appointment to go in Roosevelt Hospital [on] July 10 and Johnson O'Connor. Want to go out West as soon as possible & get a bicycle & purchase apartment condo all alone.

Thursday, June 21

It's so hard to write in this book. I've been so down and unwilling to do anything. This morning I did yoga & lifted weights. Then took a short sauna.

Drove carefully out to chiropractor. Lou worked on me today. It was very good. He said I was giving him my head for adjustment but wouldn't give him my abdomen. True.

He said life is breath. Those who breathe deeply believe in life, and those who breathe shallowly do not. He said that I need to find me. Then all the healing power in the body can work.

Breathe in — all the way to the toes, and breathe out all the impurities — get rid of them.

Got back [home], went out for a 45-minute walk, discovered a ½-mile long gas line and went shopping, got lunch, took a nap, got dinner.

Mike called from Cleveland, said he heard a tape of me (& Jim K), at an ex-members meeting at an ex-Forever Family member's house. He had questions and I answered them. He's very intelligent and doesn't need, at 17, to be deprogrammed.

His parents had him rescued and he's going to summer school to make up for lost time in the cult. Talked to his mother, too, who is typically partially understanding and partially a problem.

Friday, June 22

Katrina said they were the best love letters she had ever gotten, and that she was "high for days" after reading one.

Today I went into NY, in great anxiety, to see the masseur. Non-specific anxiety. Had begun writing a third letter to Katrina since I've been back. I put everything into these letters.

At Gael's [in Greenwich Village], which I took a taxi to, she had me take off my clothes and lie on the table, and she began to massage my whole body and also talk, saying things like, "I tuned in on you this morning, and I found that you were very concerned with your father," and "Are you very close to your brother Ted?" (who had called her earlier).

I talked a little about my problems. The massage felt nice but a little painful in places. I think I'll go to her every week until she vacations in August. She gave me the name of a herbal tincture, which I bought on Seventh Ave, for making a hot compress to my forehead & nose.

Walked back to GC station and took the 4:05 home. Felt the need to unwind after a day in Manhattan, even though it was only for a few hours. Had dinner, walked for 45 [minutes], typed 3 or 4 drafts of letter to Katrina, and crashed.

Saturday, June 23

Got up, did yoga & weight lifting. Received a call from George saying he was coming out. Did my laundry, 2 loads, went grocery shopping and met George at the train. We watched a Yankees game & got a pizza for dinner. Called Ted and invited him & Tara out for a visit.

Sunday, June 24

Got up, did 30 minutes [of] yoga, had breakfast with George, worked on the book a little. George thought it was a good idea to write to publishing houses, so I started drafting a common letter.

George slept a lot & watched a lot of TV, read and talked.

I cooked chicken & vegetables in wok after Yanks won and we partook. Walked George to the train and walked afterwards. After 2 hours, 20 minutes, I felt great, legs loose, body putting out.

Feel lonely being alone.

Monday, June 25

Got up early today (6:30), lifted weights & did yoga. Had a bacon & eggs & cereal & banana breakfast. Went for a long walk — almost 2 hours in the morning sun — it was great.

Shopped for groceries, took $300 out of the bank. Called the orthodontist and he won't be in until tomorrow.

Ted & Tara came and we had some lunch & I started to tell Ted all about the deprogramming. Later the three of us went for a walk to the nature center. Later had hamburg dinner & it was nice. Sat around after and discussed deprogramming, cults, family, and other subjects.

Ted & Tara took the small room and I took the couch.

Tuesday, June 26

Woke up today 8:30 and did yoga. Had breakfast with couple & we went to play some tennis. Hit with Ted [for] 45 minutes, got a blister.

Came back, had lunch, pulled some periwinkle, got a letter from Mrs Ayers (mother of ex-Krishna Genny Ayers), telling me about Genny's being on TV Sunday. Will watch it.

Afternoon played guitar. Tara cooked a chicken dinner. Got into the "Waterfall" song [an instrumental piece I often played for Katrina at the ranch], Stars Go By [possibly an unpublished San Francisco flower power song].

Ted suggested I go to his nose doctor. After T & T left, I crashed. Aunt Renee called and invited me over Saturday with the 4 of them. I'll drive down there.

I think falling in love and everything was too much, too fast. I need to simply take my time, not rush anything, be happy. I do love Katrina, and I think of her much of the time.

Wednesday, June 27

Woke 8:30, lifted weights & did yoga. Had a solo breakfast, then spaced around the house for a few hours. Put Mom's Peugeot in the gas line. Went for a 90-minute walk to the Y. Would like to do a 50-mile hike sometime (16 hours).

Made an appointment to have a bridge put in by Dr Zalucky this Friday.

Had lunch. No letter from Katrina, no package from [LL] Bean's. Tara called with Ted's nose doctor's phone number. I called him and made an appointment. Dad called from Albuquerque last night to say nothing. I told him what I was doing.

Thursday, June 28

The only time I talk to anyone is when it's absolutely necessary for business.

I've been so blown out for the past 2 days. I didn't even write in here.

Got $7 [of] gas at 4 p.m. Wednesday. Thursday woke up, did yoga, 20 minutes, spaced out all day. 60 minute walk in the morning, 60 minutes in the afternoon. Got on the 7:30 p.m. to GCT [Grand Central Terminal] after dinner and evening TV news. Took a cab to George's. Left Bill's Brooks Bros umbrella in the cab. George was not answering either doorbell or phone.

Took another cab back to GCT, arriving 9:05, next train 10:05. Took it back here [New Canaan] and was greeted upon arriving with a phone call from George apologizing for his lateness (he was tied up at work) and wondering why I hadn't waited a ½ hour for him (he got home [at] 9:30). So was I.

So I decided not to go back to Gael for massage and had a very rocky, lonely sleep Thursday night.

Friday morning I was incredibly out of it. I lifted weights, did yoga and went shopping. Bought groceries and two umbrellas. Played lots of guitar, which sounded good, but with a long way to go.

Got a letter from George H. [I] was crying recently thinking that Katrina had left me and I was free.

Went to dentist's and began work on bridge. Got shot up with all kinds of Novocaine and he began shaving down the two teeth on the bottom left — one on either side of the gap to be filled.

He put temporary caps on the teeth and I go back 3 more times — stretching out to halfway through August before I'm through. Eeow.

Took a 40-minute walk after dinner tonight and sat down to bring this thing up to date. I've been staring at a lot of walls lately, or ever worse, the tube.

Saturday, June 30

Today I got up, did a little yoga, had breakfast and lunch, then called Aunt Renee for directions. Hopped in the car and drove down to Rye [NY] where I was met by Renee.

It was a very nice visit of about 24 hours, with the whole family. Had long talks with Aunt Renee, who says there is no oil or energy shortage.

Went to their club for dinner. Got into a very intense rap with Uncle Tom [a World War II veteran] about Hitler and mind control while I was wolfing down trout almandine and apple pie.

Lucy is very cute and bright, and Suzy is rapidly maturing.

Tom was sailing and came in 2nd. Suzy took the train in from NY. Renee is there for the summer on a break from her congressional think tank job.

After dinner we watched a fantastic interview with David Sondheim [Susskind?] on TV, they gave me PJs and a robe, and I sat down with Aunt Renee and shot the breeze about everything from A to Z.

She did most of the talking, and I respectfully listened. Many, many things came up about Mom, Bill, my father, George, Ted, Tom, Ellen, Nancy.

Then my attention perked up when she made her remarks about me. I should not be alone at 40 — I would be unhappy. Get married in middle 30s to someone who is completely opposite of me — warm, loving, giving, secure with nice folks, etc. I would become part of that family.

Sunday, July 1

So I went to bed at 7 a.m. Sunday morning and got up by noon. Had breakfast with the family & drove back to New Canaan.

Lifted weights (I'm back up to 137 [bench press]). Did yoga — went for a 1-hour walk. Had dinner and sat down, started op-ed article and letter of Lona [ex-cult member from Long Island who I met at rehab].

At 10:00 Prime Time came on with their report on Krishna airport fundraising starring Genny and Vrindavan dasi.

It completely blew me away. How bad the cult members looked physically, all the blatant lies and cheating with the bill changing, women coming on to the men ("you have a big chest"), etc.

Monday, July 2

I took a very long walk out to Pound Ridge [NY] along [Rt] 124. I felt real good and took about 3¼ hours. After a big hamburger dinner, I wrote a little and passed out on the couch.

Got up at 10 p.m. and called Tucson — Ginny & I talked about the TV show, Doug & I talked about the baby and Katrina said she wanted to call me at 11:00 a.m. Tuesday.

All night I thought about Katrina and how she could maybe come here.

Tuesday, July 3

Someone who is alone is always dependent. Someone who has a lot of friends is more independent.

Woke early, lifted weights (I'm up to 138 [bench press]), did yoga, took a sauna, had breakfast, started cleaning the house in preparation for the return of Mom & Bill.

Katrina called collect & we talked for a half-hour. It was very traumatic and amazing.

Plan: (1) exercise the mind every day and make it strong, (2) exercise body, (3) take care of medical and dental, (3b) practice making decisions, (4) take the Johnson O'Connor tests and then get moving in some field, (5) arrange a job in Arizona, New Mexico, or Colorado, (6) writing, (7) deprogramming.

So anyway, I feel very childish to feel so hurt by Katrina leaving me, but I do. She couldn't take the punishment of being exposed to my depression, she wasn't emotionally together enough to handle my presence and she was probably being advised against seeing me, and also she had no feasible way to come and see me anyway, or vice versa.

I walked an hour and a half. Skipped lunch, I wasn't hungry after that phone call. Mom & Bill arrived and told me all about their trip to Germany and other countries.

We all went out to Cherry St [a restaurant in New Canaan]. I had filet mignon. Donna called.

Wednesday, July 4

[Cheryl] is out, very happy to be free. It took her 2 years to "flow" again.

Got up 9 a.m., did 20 minutes [of] yoga, had little breakfast and phoned the parents Donna asked me to. I filled them in a little bit about what to expect.

They gave me the phone # of an ex-Hare Krishna woman in San Francisco who I called and who turned out to be Syama dasi, wife of Hayagriva (Cheryl and Howard Wheeler) [Hayagriva was the first editor of the cult's monthly magazine Back to Godhead]. She had joined [the cult] in San Francisco in '67. Prabhupada [the leader] had married her to Hayagriva.

There were two sons, one of whom was with her, the other was claimed by Kirtanananda and stashed away somewhere by him when Cheryl & constables went to New Vrindavan [a large cult compound near Wheeling, West Virginia] to get the boy.

And on and on like this. She suspects Kirtanananda had homosexual relations with her son, and K could trigger a Jonestown-like situation at New Vrindavan.

She (Cheryl) co-wrote the [Hare Krishna] Cookbook.

This phone conversation energized me greatly and now I suddenly feel much more motivated to write and move forward.

Had dinner with Mom & Bill, typed a letter to Lona, who has been out of touch. Will relay any return info to George H, at his request. Worked on book & article.

Thursday, July 5

Lifted weights, did yoga, worked on the book & article, went on a 3¼-hour walk to Darien along [Rt] 124 — got a blister. Discussed article with Mom after a Cherry St dinner with her and Bill. Very nice.

Thought about Katrina a lot.

Friday, July 6

Woke up and did 20 minutes [of] yoga. Worked on the article this morning. Walked only 30 minutes. Suzy sent an article on est [a New Age cult with a large following, now defunct] from Mother Jones, which made me laugh & cry a lot.

Read the funny & pathetic parts to Mom who appreciated my intense perceptivity of totalist manipulative techniques. Typed a short letter to Mrs Ayers saying I saw the TV program.

After dinner I talked to Aunt Jo on the phone. She agreed to edit my article.

Saturday, July 7

Woke up & did a nice weights session & yoga. Worked on the article, watched about a set of [Bjorn] Borg beating [Roscoe] Tanner, Wimbledon final. [Borg came back from 2 sets to 1 down to win his fourth consecutive Wimbledon singles title.]

George came, [I] had lunch, typed, plinked on the guitar — sounded good — went for a walk just under 4 hours to Lewistown [actually Lewisboro], NY, 2 [hours] up and 2 back, had dinner, typed and racked my brains for some more inspiration for this article — opened the Ted Patrick article, getting lots of ideas from others.

My polyps are more like balloons — and probably pre-cancerous [not so]. I'm stuck in this dependent situation — taking advantage of Mom & Bill's good feelings.

[Joan] Baez & [Judy] Collins played in NY this weekend; I didn't go. Mom & Aunt Jo are still into that cult gobbledygook [Re-evaluation Counseling, a Scientology-like cult] — depressing.

I still love Katrina, but I think I can find an even better woman. I sure need someone. Horny is not the word for not having been laid for 6 years.

Saturday night — everyone else — all ages is out tonight getting it on in their own way, except me. I really want to get that article — at least a first draft before I go in the hospital.

Sunday, July 8

I'm very broken up about Katrina. All day, when I'm not in a daze thinking about her, I find myself uttering, "Katrina, Katrina."

I'm in so much anxiety [a Krishna cult cliche]. My life is so incomplete [another Krishna cliche], in so many ways.

I'm tired of "maybe, possibly, if, when I just get this, that, or the other thing together, then ... I'll be happy." That means I'm really always unhappy.

Sometimes it gets so heavy, I'm just beside myself in bewilderment. Part of it is the big infection, lack of oxygen (O₂), predominance of CO₂. Only two more days until I go in the hospital. Oh Joy!

Monday, July 9

I don't know where I stand. Things aren't working out the way I wanted them to. Yellow mucus is flowing forward out the nose and backward down the throat into the stomach or lungs.

A man without a woman ... I am so much in love with Katrina. Sometimes I break down and cry. I have no family to speak of. No friends either. But I have never been suicidal, except once, when I was going to Lawrenceville [a prep school in New Jersey].

I feel good when I walk in pure air and stretch in yoga. I believe that industry in general and the automobile in particular have destroyed the quality of life.

I believe in life, love, truth, beauty, and nature. I keep getting the feeling that it's my fault, there must be something wrong with me for joining a cult.

For depression, Aunt Renee recommends beer — sugar content would help hypoglycemic condition that causes it.

Monday and Tuesday I only walked 20 minutes each day. Sat down to the typewriter in a last-ditch attempt to get the article written before going off to the hospital. Failed, it's half-written, needs to be completely rewritten.

Sunday I refused to go to the Moore's for dinner. Pam wasn't there. I can't drink alcohol the way others do and cigarettes — half a glass with dinner — that's my max. I don't want to not think. I want to be able to think.

I'm very afraid they'll put me in a mental hospital, and then I'll never get better. Silly.

I don't believe in having pets, although I love animals. People should appreciate animals in their natural environment, not as prisoners (like in a zoo), senseless murder victims, for eating. For survival, okay.

Tuesday, July 10

Today I got up, did yoga, and waited to be called by the Roosevelt Hospital [on Tenth Avenue, now called Mt Sinai West]. Mom & I went to get a bank check. Took 3:30 train into NY, taxi to hospital by 5:00. Checked in, saw a doctor & went to bed.

Wednesday, July 11

Couldn't have any food or drink. At 10:00 they gave me a sedative and wheeled me down to the operating room. Passed out while the anesthetist was attending to me.

Woke up 1½ hours later in recovery room, with a big bandage on my nose and packing inside. Dr Lewis said the biggest polyp was an inch and a half. The other doctor said they took out "a thousand polyps." I believe it.

Mom was here all day and George from 7 to 8 p.m. Mom had trouble with the trains: 1½ hours delay coming in and 1 hour getting back. Ted will visit this afternoon.

Wednesday morning [?] they took out the packing and put cotton balls at openings of nostrils, which I just took out. Ted came and brought a nice rose and a nice peach. They gave me antihistamines and an antibiotic, which I didn't take. Mineral oil nose drops were administered by nurse.

Thursday, July 12

Today they released me from the hospital. I walked down to Grand Central [a distance of 1.6 miles], where there were two plainclothes Krishnas panhandling for the millionaire leaders.

Ignored them, no problems.

Got home. Aunt Jo & Phoebe were here. Had pasta and salad and baklava with Bill & Mom. Every night is so hard to go to bed alone — without Katrina or whoever. When love comes ...

Saturday, July 14

Today Ted & Tara arrived early and Tara started the cooking. I was nervous about having to meet Tom & Ellen and others. Finally everyone arrived including George, Tom & Ellen, Pam & Barb, John & Jane, Doug Langston & daughter-in-law Linda.

Had a talk with Ellen, a little session with the brothers, and a longer talk with Pam & Barbara.

Went to Lou the chiropractor.

Sunday, July 15

Today I called Joe's wife and left the message that I'll be available for deprogrammings after this week.

Monday, July 16

Paul, what's going on?! Today, first day of Johnson O'Connor test. Interesting. Nose better.

Tuesday, July 17

Took out $300 from the bank to buy a tape recorder as they suggested. 2nd day of J-O'C tests. Stayed in the City, met up with George at 7, and went out for cheeseburger & salad at the Right Bank [French restaurant at 822 Madison at 68th St, closed in 2000 after 41 years] then to Clint Eastwood's Alcatraz flic [Escape From Alcatraz, 1979, also starring Patrick McGoohan]. Good.

Wednesday, July 18

Bought a Sony TC-48 tape recorder in GC Station. Took the third battery of tests at Johnson O'Connor and rushed down to the train. Got back to New Canaan, had dinner (bluefish) with Mom (big heart) and Bill (too).

Thursday, July 19

Final day of consultation at Johnson O'Connor. They recommended civil engineering or architecture because of high structure and okayed physics for the same reason, cinematography for high pitch and high structure. Music okay for high pitch.

Counseling does not really fit well. So I think I'll take it a step at a time, one course at a time in my interest, math-physics — whether or not toward a degree. 3 courses a year, BA, after 10 years I'd have 4 years of credits.

[As it turned out, in the 10 years from 1982 to 1991, I earned 180 college credits and a BA degree in math, with the equivalent of a minor in computer science.]

It's kind of exciting, getting back into a field that was so easy and energizing.

Friday, July 20

Today I drove to Dr Kornfield's — the allergist — in White Plains [NY]. He doesn't think that allergies are causing my problem, but concedes that they may contribute. I'll be tested for allergies – scratch test – next Monday.

Got back in time to get lunch and go off to Dr Zalucky's — dentist — who shot me up 3 times with 'caine before he could finish paring down my teeth in preparation for a bridge, which will be ready next month.

Also next time — tooth extraction.

Took the train into NYC and stayed overnight with George (and Kevin). Watched TV and talked with George a little about my article. He suggests focusing on one aspect. I think I'll write about money.

Saturday, July 21

I want to get up to at least 150 [pounds] and no more than 160.

Today Allen T Wood came over to George's and we talked about 3 hours. Very good. The last push in a very long week. Dad was paying for it, I think $125 for a ½ day.

Took the train back. Hare Krishnas in GC station every day this week. 2 or 3 [of them]. Got back to New Canaan at 3 or 4 and just spread out completely — sauna and everything — weights.

Sunday, July 22

Went for a 4-hour walk to the reservoir and Rt 137. Felt great, back roads, hardly any cars. Hot sticky weather — soaked clothes.

A little tired when I got back — relaxed and wrote a little and read a totalitarian RC [Re-evaluation Counseling] magazine. Mom & Bill got back and said they enjoyed Paupac [a lake in the Poconos] — air so clear that the windows never need washing!

Talked with Dad tonight and arranged for coming in Tuesday to meet him and all go to a Yankees game.

Called Paul Engel and set up a time to see him — tomorrow at 5:30. Crashed early.

Monday, July 23

The race is not to the swift

Caution: Low-flying foresight

Inch by inch – Life's a cinch
Yard by yard – Life is hard

Woke up 6:00 a.m. and jumped in the car and headed for the gas station. The Peugeot only took 6 gallons (made 24 miles/gallon). Lifted weights and did yoga out on the back porch. Much better air.

Took a walk – back roads – Ponus Ridge [about 4 miles from New Canaan] for 2¼ hours, felt great. I don't like being alone much, though. And the cars, even more so the trucks, are a big drag.

I cannot keep thinking about and writing out my long-term goals enough. So here goes another try:

Career — something along the lines of my best strengths: math & physics, using 3-D visualization. 1 course at a time for 10 or 20 years to get degree(s).

Second career — anti-cult counseling & writing. Not my best strength, but a crying necessity nevertheless. For now I need to more distance, time, and space in between me and cult.

Social — may be of first or equal importance, but will be the last to come together, because of my particular situation. I want to socialize as much as possible — dating women and making every possible mistake.

Any less than 5 years after rescue would be too soon to get married — hasty. But I don't want to be over 40 either. And I should avoid the tremendous temptation to marry an ex-cult member for sentimental and convenience (and cowardice) reasons.

She should be attractive, sensitive and sensuous, and with a head on her shoulders. Not intellectual and into something that requires brain & senses — capable of career but wanting to make children (2 or 3) her career.

Maybe no one is this perfect, but that's my deal anyway.

Also she should be very loving and giving and with very healthy and solid family relationships, a family that I can become a part of, being almost family-less.

She should know about food and exercise culture.

Shot out to Dr Kornfield's in White Plains. He gave me a scratch test, nothing positive except possibly feathers. Stay away from beer.

Next steps: more scratch tests, and a culture of sinus material. Then he will start working on the "bacterial allergy" situation and more drugs.

This last week has been very hectic — hot muggy sweltering summer weather — riding trains into the inverted [referring to a pollution-caused weather inversion] city — running around like a madman.

This week will be similar. Mom had been great — offering all facilities for me to stay here, and as much emotional support as she can. I'll be tied up around Connecticut/NY until September 1 with dentist and doctors.

Will write in my spare time. Articles then Allen's book Moonstruck will come out in October.

I know I can improve on all fronts with age. My walking, yoga, and weight lifting. My science, counseling, and music — all will improve as time goes on.

This keeping busy is very good for me. Things get done — one after another — and I stay out of a negative head.

Hobbies: music, hiking, pottery

Tuesday, July 24

Today I went into NY to meet up with Dad & Nancy & Eric at GCT. We took the hottest, filthiest, sweatiest, and most crowded subway ride up [Lexington Ave] to George's at rush hour. Saw Kevin.

We had dinner and went with George up to Yankee Stadium to see the Yanks beat California (a good team) by one run. But there were many disappointments in the way they played.

[The Yankees overcame 3 California home runs, including a shot to right field by Rod Carew, to win 6-5. Ron Davis won in relief and Goose Gossage got the save. Attendance was 33,500]

After the game, we parted company with Dad & Nancy & Eric and George & I went over to his pad to crash.

Wednesday, July 25

We both got up early — I went to Penn Station to catch an early morning Amtrak to Princeton Junction and George went to work. George couldn't make it out to Tommy's — I arrived and Tommy picked me up.

We went to work loading an 18' U-Haul twice, with the help of a neighbor. By night we were bushed and ended up eating ice cream and blueberry pie at another neighbor's ([in] Pennsylvania this time)

Thursday, July 26

Slept soundly — got up & moved all day again — this time the light stuff in many car trips. After it was all over, we went out to dinner. I've never seen two people with so much junk. I was thinking in the 90% to 100% humidity.

Shirt soaked before starting to work.

I have never felt like this before. One moment of tenderness — of giving to Katrina is worth more to me than a thousand days of beating my head against these same 100 walls. "You know — I'm in love with you!"

"I need to feel unconditional love, and so do you."

Friday, July 27

Tommy drove me down to the train — arrived NY, got breakfast at Horn & Hardart, walked up 6th [Avenue] to the park and up 5th to Dr Lewis's. He took a sinus culture, as requested by allergist Dr K. Removed a bit of flesh, told me to keep up the oil drops (work nicely) for 1 week and don't come back till after Labor Day.

I just hope Tommy is good enough for Ellen.

Everyone has an emotional need to feel loved unconditionally — and if that need is not met, then we will not be happy.

I don't feel any hostility toward family, but no real attachment [Krishna buzzword] either.

Walked 1½ hours Friday night + Penn Station to Lewis's.

Saturday, July 28

I eat better, digest better, think better, breathe better, more optimistic when I walk.

This hiking is saving me. I was alone Friday night for dinner, Mom and Bill went to a Broadway play, and I had a bit too much to eat.

I often dream of Katrina. I had one very exasperating one. She was talking with a group of friends. I was there, but she ignored me.

I woke up feeling so distraught — literally torn up by it. I was heartbroken.

Today I woke up – had breakfast – talked with Mom about Tommy, etc.

Went for a 3:20 [3 hours, 20 minutes] walk to Stamford. Felt great — I was breathing heavily. Must have covered about 10-12 miles ([A] Walk Across America [Jenkins, 1979]: 12-20 miles/day). Blisters but not tired.

I've walked to Darien [CT], Lewisboro [NY], Norwalk [CT], [on] separate trips.

Had a discussion with Mom about my future. She was saying that it would be very practical to share a living situation, and encouraged me to take up George H on his offer to find me a job in Tucson. So I don't know whether to do this or that.

• Study: math, physics, architecture, cinematography
• Work: typesetting, deprogramming
• Hobby: music, gardening, pottery

Sunday, July 29

My body has never been in better shape. 3⅓ hours straight of brisk walking. Ellen Stoutenberg [a longtime friend of the family] came over and we had a nice discussion about cults. She understands about guilt.

I feel out of it and uptight in social situations. I want to leave here and be on my own, but I don't want to also, or I don't feel ready or something.

Take the most interesting alternative. Make a daily plan that's in accord with the long-range goals. Inch by inch/day by day/life's cinch; yard by yard/life is hard.

It's been many weeks since I last talked to Katrina, and very difficult weeks at that. The human pair-bonding is so powerful. The love between a man and a woman is the greatest and most powerful force in the universe.

Industrialization means a decrease in the quality of life.

I feel (and look) so great out in raw Nature, I cannot tell you.

But communications are one positive technological advance, I think. Typesetting will not be upsetting.

Don't live in the past.

Lifted weights 40 – 42½ – 45 – 70

Monday, July 30

I have collected so many possessions.

Today I got breakfast and went for a 3:22 walk (brisk) around the reservoir. Met a 50-year-old IBM executive walking along with a straw hat, walking faster than me. We conversed about the local sights and other walkers.

I got back, showered, and a check for the remainder of my trust, came in the mail. I decided to deposit the check in my local savings account today and a phone call revealed that the Cash Reserve was paying 10.2%.

I'll transfer a round figure to that after a few days. I went out an bought a walking stick.

Had dinner, typed a draft of a letter to George H, after finding out they changed the ranch #.

Call Bill McC [of Johnson O'Connor] and he recommended against typesetting because of my low finger dexterity, etc.

Tuesday, July 31

Patience.

Slept late, got breakfast and went on down to Dr Kornfield, who found out I'm slightly allergic to the trees, including maple. Will pursue it to the max.

Lifted weights and did yoga. I figure I can maintain my body on 1 to 1½ hours [of exercise] per day, and 1 or 2 days a week at 3 to 4 hours per day.

I'd just lift & do yoga on alternate days and bike 5 to 7 miles on the other days.

I really wanted to go out on that deprogramming and meet Rabbi [Maurice] Davis [a veteran of the Civil Rights Movement, leader of a congregation in Westchester County, and outspoken leader in the anti-cult movement].

Played some guitar, and started my vocab work. Mom & Bill had a dinner guest — Phil, the BMW motorcycle mechanic.

Wednesday, August 1

Today I got a little breakfast and bicycled down to Pam's — a distance of at least 15 miles. Total time up and back: 3:33.

Pam & I had a long discussion over ice water on her porch — talking about my situation and the cults. She's concerned about her sister in Scientology.

We had lunch — a salad — and then I told her I wasn't going to continue the typesetting — which she agreed with. John and she both feel I would be better off working with people, not machines, and I couldn't agree more.

Recent tests support this also.

Thursday, August 2

Today I lifted weights before breakfast and started some writing. Mr & Mrs M (daughter in HK) called and said they would like to come over in the afternoon.

Linda L came for lunch, and we told her a little about the cults. Then the Ms came. They were very anxious to get their daughter out, but were a little flippy themselves. So I really couldn't get into talking to them about their daughter's independence, but no matter, they've been in touch with Donna, who is in Arizona and she said I would be in on the deprogramming. Good news. News to me.

This may happen August 12-14. So I got some phone numbers from them and vice versa, and later I had Mom sit down and put her story on tape — about 40 minutes worth.

Bill, Mom, and I went out to Cherry St East for dinner. Package from LL Bean arrived — some nice pants and a shirt (1 cord pants, 1 summer weight, 1 other), a gym bag and a duffle-like travel bag. No walking or cycling today.

Friday, August 3

I get the most energy from the deprogramming and anti-cult activities. I'm still quite uncertain of myself in social situations.

Today I rose and did 15 minutes of yoga, and had breakfast while Mom was adding a few things to her tape. Went down to Dr Kornfield's.

Ted [Patrick]'s book [Let Our Children Go!, 1976] was a real blowout. And I decided to give up typesetting. So maybe I can make enough by deprogramming and writing to make a go of it. Probably not.

Sometimes I play guitar just to relax, for a change of pace. I'm always trying to reach that state of pure energy or whatever, where it simply flows. But, alas, in the meantime I'm happy to play imperfectly.

Nose is better, but still disturbing.

Dr Kornfield did the third of 4 batteries of tests. This time: trees and pollens negative, dust slightly positive. I have to pursue this nose thing to the max.

Although I don't think of Katrina constantly, I do think of her quite often. I don't think there is anything higher than that exchange being with her out at the pool and the desert, mountains, sky, sunset, with guitar. She is the most gorgeous creature ever created.

Let's face it, those moments of intimacy are very few and far between in life. There just aren't that many times in life when one can have that unconditional love.

So I got lunch and went shopping and then went for a 4½-hour walk highlighted by two downpours. Luckily I was warm enough so that I didn't get chilled.

Had dinner, kicked back and ordered another $140 worth of stuff from Bean's, wound up the guitar and crashed like a ton of bricks.

Saturday, August 4

To this day, I'm still thinking that my life is ruined.

Got up and lifted. Went to work on the 2-pager on fraud & violence for Paul Engel — got it typed. It was pretty together and Mom liked it. She wanted to show it to Bill.

Took off for Paul's at 5. Arrived at 6, when a TV producer and writer were interviewing 4 ex-Ways [from a cult called The Way] in Paul's living room. I met them, and they wound up their discussion.

We all went out for pizza. One of the ex-Ways was a very beautiful girl who reminded me of Victoria Webb [a friend from my home town of Princeton, NJ].

Then we went through that indescribably hellish [loaded Krishna term] traffic to Fort Lee, NJ, where the meeting was.

All night, I didn't speak to anyone except Robin Spector, the 3-year ex-Berkeley SKP [book & magazine sales] Mataji [a title given to all women in the Krishna cult] who also came out last February. We talked for 3 or 4 minutes.

The group discussion was mostly dominated by a political ex-Moonie, with John Lennon (Lenin) style hair, glasses, and a self-important air, briefcase, quoting Manchurian Candidate, telling us he couldn't tell us certain things — too confidential, the cults are going to take over the country & world in 5 to 10 years, etc.

Bill & Lorna Goldberg [the hosts] were very nice & friendly, wanting to help. They're NYC, ex-peace activists, presently professional social workers with this side interest in ex-cult helping.

Peter S was one of the ex-Ways. I think he's a deprogrammer. A very nice woman — ex-Eastern cult.

The most striking woman there, however, was a pediatric intern, very prim, proper, preppy and pretty. She looked so familiar to me. Neatly dressed, almost elegant and clean, clean lines & features. She said that she thought she knew me. Did I live in Boston? No, I haven't been there in a while (25 years).

But of course Robin & I have got the most in common with each other, although there was no great attraction. But at this point I don't think I would refuse anything.

Throughout all this I was going through a mini-depression, complete with paranoia, inability to do simple things like get a glass of water, needing to be alone for a time, but finding myself unable to walk out.

So Will talked to me, taking a superior position, until my face started twitching in all the anxiety.

Try to be careful not to use thought-terminating terminology in speech or in writing. [For example,] "If you want a relationship with God, you have to work for it."

Drove home through the living hell bumper-to-bumper at 2 a.m.

Sunday, August 5

I had breakfast, a little lunch and then went out on a 5-hour walk. Came back thirsty and with blisters. Drank 4 glasses of ice water and had a mellow dinner and discussion with Mom.

Read Ted's book until I must have been turning blue. Cried at various points — the gross suffering — the emotional bondage.

Monday, August 6

Don't get discouraged, take it one day at a time and look back to see how you've made progress.

Went to sleep at midnight and got up at 9:30. I was tired. Lifted weights. I had a good day, stretched out some of those muscles.

Low foresight, I have to remind myself to think of the long-range goals of physics & architecture.

I have made progress. But it'll be 2 or 3 years or more before I stop going through debriefing and re-entry changes.

Went shopping, vacuumed the house. Will Blackman called last night & invited himself over for lunch Friday. Linda came over for hamburg dinner and we all went out to the Muppets [first Muppets movie, 1979] — pretty funny.

I'm still just numb today — to stimuli.

Read some more of Ted's book — riveting — so heavy I cried or had to put it down many times.

Tuesday, August 7

Woke, got gas (easily), breakfast and went to my last session with Dr Kornfield. He gave me my first desensitization shot today with weekly shots to be given by family doctor here [in New Canaan].

I went for a walk, the second half of which was miserable. I was shuffling and "ouching" with every step — the worst day for my feet in a long time.

Had dinner, called Robin to set up a day together — she wasn't in. Called Donna — found out Doug & Elaine had a little girl (Mya Rae).

They have 4 or 5 Krishna cases I can be in on. I volunteered for any cult. And she said to call Bob, which I did. His Mom is pleased. He's been back [home] for 2 to 2½ weeks.

Mort is now on the staff at Tucson after having a rough time. My heart sank as I heard the news from the Ranch — thinking of Katrina.

Mrs G & Bob both spoke of Mrs Merritt, the coworker of Dr Clark. She told Bob to get involved in school or whatever (he's going to take 2 courses) and avoid [the] "cult of anti-cult."

Wednesday, August 8

Today I got up and lifted weights, no walking, placed a phone call down to Robin and invited myself over for a day. Drove Mom's car down to Ft Lee and went swimming with Robin in her pool.

Had a talk with her and learned that Jiva [took initiation into the cult in San Francisco in 1974] was taking cocaine and having sex [with the women devotees he was leading on a traveling party].

We went out to dinner. She's still more or less a vegetarian.

Robin swims 100 laps a day and sips diet cola by the pool.

So anyway I crashed in one of her brothers' apartments on the floor — and she in the other.

Thursday, August 9

I've been through depression every now and then that make an LSD trip look like drinking a cocktail.

We [Robin Spector and I] got up and drove into NYC to go to the Trade Center hearings by NY State Assembly on Child Abuse in Cults.

Chris Edwards spoke, intelligently, saying he had a perfect average at Yale before going in the Moonies and came out unable to read. The Moonies have threatened his life so many times, he was reluctant to appear until they guaranteed him security (invisible).

The audience was packed with Moonies. One of Moon's goons [dressed in a business suit] spoke and lied through his teeth about everything. Some paid-off idiot from the NYCLU got up there and said it's impossible to make constitutional legislation concerning "religious" groups. Period.

And the head of "Save the Children" gave scathing testimony against all cults. And so on and so on.

[Robin testified as an expert witness against the abominable treatment of children in the Krishna cult.]

At 2:30, with the testimony going on and on and still no break for lunch, and with some uniformed Krishnas there, I split without telling Robin or anyone else where I was going, went down to street level and out to get the car.

I drove up to George's and put the car in a garage across from his apartment and took my bags down to GCT, where I got a sandwich and a yogurt, my first meal [of the day].

I also bought a paper and decided to bus up to 86th Street and take in the flic North Dallas Forty [1979, starring Nick Nolte] while waiting for George.

Good move — I went back down GCT, called George, Kevin [George's roommate] answered and invited me up. George had gone to Princeton.

So I went up to Kevin's. He was with a young lady, also from Princeton.

Read George's magazines, showered, turned on the AC and crashed a bit early.

Friday, August 10

9 a.m. left the pad, got the car out and drove a rather roundabout route to New Canaan. Bill's half-sister was here when I got here, and we three had a talk before Gail had to go.

I then lifted weights, and got some phone calls. Donna called and let me know that they were getting ready to move on Georgia M. I'll flying to Pittsburgh [on] Monday or Tuesday, supposedly.

The Ss called, and I agreed to talk to their daughter Susan. The were very burned out from a long and ultimately somewhat violent confrontation with their daughter who is home voluntarily, and has agreed, after meeting with Rabbi Davis, not to go back to the cult.

Saturday, August 11

It rained today. Stayed home, alternately reading Crazy [for God] and plinking on the guitar. Got depressed, which means a preoccupation and greatly lessened efficiency in getting my things done.

Walked for 1 hour 40 minutes to Michael Browder and got into a lot of cult excesses with him.

Sunday, August 12

Engel: "You have to see it in perspective."

Robin: "We did a lot of talking about the cult."

Today I lifted weights and did yoga. I weigh 140 (almost) and I'm determined to go for 150 or maybe 160. I'll know when to level off (not stop).

I finished Chris's book today. It made me laugh, cry a lot, hurl the book down on the floor in fury, etc. The scariest part of the whole bad dream: the description of Moon's lecture.

Aunt Renee, Uncle Tom, and Lucy came over for dinner. It was nice, once a year it happens. Lucy was looking good.

Tomorrow or Tuesday I fly out to debrief Georgia. I know I can do it. This is the one thing I know about.

Monday, August 13

I woke up to a phone call from Donna. This is it. Train and bus to Wilkes-Barre for Georgia's debriefing. Spent all morning pulling things together.

Mailed the [John] Clark tape and a copy of Cheryl's letter off to Robin. Called Paul Engel for her address. He said he had been at the Friday hearings. Invasion by a black group.

I get moving so fast when there's a debriefing to do. Caught a train, a taxi, a bus, and a lift from Joe's wife (2 girls: beautiful) out to the Alexander residence in the beautiful Pennsylvania woods.

Georgia and entourage arrived shortly [after]. They included Norma and Virginia, pleasant surprises, along with Joe, Tim and 1 security man & Mrs M. Donna and Mr M were already there.

Donna, Esther [Joe's wife], and children drove out for Ohio, to lessen the number of people in the house.

So we went in, on this, the first night of debriefing, and talked with her. She was very dramatic and frightened, body and mind fraught with anxieties, no color in the face despite numerous different facial expressions, blank eyes.

We knocked off early.

Tuesday, August 14

Today, the same pattern — sometimes she talks, sometimes silent, she's learning how to play the game and act like she hears. But we know she's not.

And there's the games of, "I feel hurt," etc. She acts like a 2 year old & I told her so. So an interesting situation developed. So she began to hate my guts, as I was calling [out] her game.

At one point, the best point of the day, she said, "Fuck you" to me in a very loud and convincing way, which made the [other] debriefers laugh and rejoice.

Norma came in and helped. She likes to be the mellow friend. Georgia began to say that she'd talk to the others but not to me, accusing me of many things, and Joe told me to keep up the pressure.

We knocked off at 10:00 p.m., at which time she called in her father, the weaker parent, to tell him to get rid of me. Joe went in and told her no way. Had a long talk with Tim about everything.

Wednesday, August 15

Got up, got my own breakfast, went for a short walk and almost got lost. Came back and started in on Georgia again, Chapter 22. She goes through all the standard avoidance routines — but "time is on her side."

So far, nothing really hopeful. She could run at any minute.

After a few hours of my tirades off of Chapter 22, with Joe helping, she tried lying on the floor and pulling a pillow over her head. I kept talking. She went in the closet and pulled the door shut. Joe took off the doors.

Tim and Randy were alerted for possible activity, standing outside the door. I sat on the bed and Joe went in the bathroom. She freaked and made a kind of half-hearted move for the door, like her other ones earlier.

She got in front of me, and I grabbed her from behind. Tim came through the door like a center linebacker, bear-hugged her and gently pushed her down on the bed.

Joe came back and everything was mellow, but she was shook up. I went on a break, being a little shaken myself, and Joe calmed her down.

Tim & I and Georgia's sister had a long bull session about mind control, drugs, and electric shock "therapy." Crashed out.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night I got poor sleep, because of the emotional atmosphere. Last night I slept well, however, and I feel much better.

Every night when I climb into bed, however, I'm with Katrina in my mind. But I tell myself it's in the past and it's a doomed relationship. I think that the romantic aspect will be the last one to develop.

But I've progressed since my first deprogramming (Bob). Last night Joe said that I had a lot of good things to say about mind control and would write a good book.

Thursday, August 16

Mrs M: That's almost her laugh.

Tim: Yeah, but almost doesn't count.

Today was more or less the same pattern but a little improvement. Fewer temper tantrums, better attention, and even a few moments of honest expression, which stood out like glittering moons in a dark sky.

But basically it's the same avoidance patterns, coupled with impaired reasoning capacities and the (necessary) counter-stresses of the debriefing.

George [M] and I drove out to a waterfall for a break. Got back for a satisfying beef-stew dinner with the group. Beef is my very favorite food, of all foods. But I like everything. All styles — American, Japanese, Chinese, vegetarian, Italian, French, etc.

I've got to learn to bring vitamins, vegetable/soy protein pills, and my guitar on these deprogrammings.

I think it's cruel to keep pets and to have zoos. It's not that I don't appreciate animals, but I like to appreciate them in their natural habitat — to go where they live.

Friday, August 17

Never in my whole life have I seen such a spoiled, ungrateful brat.

Cigarette smoke bothers me no end. Give her credit, but nail her ass.

"She's out, but confused," said Virginia Friday morning.

They called Bob G but he's too happy working on the farm, and doesn't want this macabre stuff quite yet. Everyone here felt good about that attitude. We wanted a backup debriefer from Hare Krishna, because it is such a prolonged [deprogramming].

Today there was a rather dramatic change. But Georgia is one who comes out gradually.

It was more or less the same pattern of avoidance, disgusting to Joe, Virginia, and myself. We went outside for a discussion.

I went to take a break, and after a while Tim came in and said, "She's changed her attitude — she wants to talk to you. She wants you to explain [Chapter] 22." (I had been the arch-enemy up until now.)

So I rushed in, and she was actually hearing what we were saying, but she's still got a long way to go.

Plan is to fly out to Tucson tomorrow, Saturday, the whole party. Except me, I'll go straight back to Connecticut and Tim will go home, too. He's got a quick Moonie case. Chris Carlson will debrief the person.

I asked Tim to call me if he needed some help. Joe will relax until the first of the month when they go out to California for a multiple Moonie rescue & debriefing. Exciting.

Joe says it's easier to do another group. They can see similarities with your group. He says he "can't do" COGs [Children of God] because he just feels like throwing them up against the wall for being so stupid.

Tim mentioned that one time Bob had thrown Katrina into the pool, and just hearing her name made my heart sink three feet. I am still very much in love, in my broken little way, and going to bed alone is very difficult for me.

Joe says, "In my home, the subject of cults never comes up." Ginny: "And that's true, too."

I got paid $500 in cash tonight by Tim. Hard work/good money.

I have to live and work with people. Alone, I go nuts and just seek out people to find out what's happening. But I also need time alone, too. To collect my thoughts, reflect, take care of personal business.

I didn't get a chance to talk to Genny, for the second time. A little bit we talked. I'd like to get in touch with Susan S, make sure she's all right, and see what Chuck Pinson is up to.

Saturday, August 18

Mrs M was the palest and thinnest woman I've ever seen, when they first came to Joe's.

Today it's drizzling, and everyone is sleeping late. Deer are the most beautiful and graceful animals I've ever seen.

I got up at 8:30, did 10 minutes of yoga, went for a walk, got some breakfast, everyone was sleeping.

Finally Georgia et al got up, and Joe asked me to go in and say something to her.

I showed Joe the letter from Cheryl. He loved it.

I took it into Georgia's room, where she and Ginny were playing cards.

Joe takes good care of his workers.

I read the letter for Georgia, and Ginny and I talked about some cult stuff in a breezy way.

Atmosphere was different. She can enjoy, have fun, talk, laugh, think, question, relax, feel herself again.

In a couple of days she'll be denouncing the group. Ginny left and Georgia asked me questions. I got into my rap about being patient and giving yourself time & space to grow, and so on.

I got the ranch's new # and gave Jinny Genny's and Cheryl's addresses and phone #s.

Goodbye was quick. Highlight was handshake with Georgia at the door. A switch. Tim drove me down to the bus station, Mrs M was with us. She said, "I don't know how to thank you," and had tears in her eyes.

Mr M was also tearful in his goodbye at the house, and almost wordless. I'll never forget seeing Georgia at the door, her pretty face framed by ponytails. She was cute, a little reserved after all that.

Georgia had come in kicking and screaming and carrying on.

In five short hours, I made it to Mom's in Connecticut. There was no one home, so I let myself in & started to unpack and do my laundry.

Aunt Jo and Phoebe arrived, having driven down from Phoebe's music school recital at Hartford. Mom & Bill followed. I went to lift weights and joined them later for dinner.

I slept well, as I usually do here. I talked to Mrs S about Susan's situation.

Sunday, August 19

Today I took it kind of easy. Went for a 3½-hour walk after breakfast. After 2 hours, I finally relaxed. Re-strung the guitar and shuffled through all my papers. Went through all my clothes, and filled a box with clothes I can't wear.

Mom & Bill had guests for dinner and I mostly listened to their conversation. Robin Spector called and told me about how she's training at Montessori to work with children.

It thrilled me that she's doing so much in the world. In her letter she said she got a lot out of talking with Rabbi Davis. He helped her with the fear ("Maya") trips.

She also thanked me (!). She sounded adorable. She keeps in shape by swimming 100 laps a day.

Monday, August 20

Today I did 15 minutes of yoga, put off the weights and hiking until tomorrow, and ran around town doing errands.

Bought Snapping [Conway & Siegelman, 1978], King James Bible, and Battle for the Mind [by William Sargant, 1957], a whole bunch (10) of clear plastic report folders, a set of medium Martin [guitar] strings, another 200 address cards, a bottle of Vitamin C, and took my hiking shorts and cord pants in for alterations.

Big Bean duffle [bag] has come in the mail. Ordered some more stuff, too.

Had another long talk with Mom about going to Tucson, family stuff, etc.

I have been through a change. It is now almost 6 months and I feel freer than ever. Social thing is the worst, followed by education & career & place to live & friends.

Joe was talking about the folly of the counterculture. Mom says the generation gap will always be with us. Bill says take things one step at a time, not too many new things at once.

I'd like to move to Tucson and live either by myself or with someone else. I wouldn't go to the ranch much.

I'd do as many deprogrammings as possible. I'd take pottery and learn how to make plates & cups, etc. and have a good time (structural hobby). I'd get a part-time job, and I'd be in the best place for my nose.

I'd spent 1 to 4 hours a day writing this book [my cult memoir]. Plus physics, math, etc.

Called George H and he said come on down [to Tucson].

Tuesday, August 21

Lifted weights, did yoga, had breakfast and walked for 1¾ hours. We went out to Cherry St East for dinner.

Took out the file cards and got into the book. I'm writing almost 100 cards per page of notes.

I got 3 copies of Cheryl's letter made. Talked to George on the phone. He's just back from a long weekend at [Lake] Paupac.

I felt good today. Every day since I've been back. Plinked away on the guitar.

Wednesday, August 22

Got up early and did 15 minutes [of] yoga. Took the Dino [Ferrari] down to Stamford & brought Mom back. She was dropping her car off at the shop.

I wrote short letters to Genny, Georgia, and Lona. I included a copy of Cheryl's letter to each of them.

Called Barry [possibly Barry Fisher, a Krishna lawyer], and he said go ahead with the legal action. May use another lawyer to do the same, avoid possible conflicts with another client (ISKCON).

Had lunch with Mom & Linda. Played some tennis with Mom. Chicken dinner with Mom & Bill.

Thursday, August 23

Today I was full of energy. Woke up, lifted weights, did yoga, went for a 2¼-hour walk. Started copying onto cassettes Mozart, Cat Stevens, Beatles, etc.

Went shopping, did the laundry. George came with Motown records.

I went to Dr Shutkin for allergy injection. Played tennis with George for ½ hour, until I got blisters.

Fish dinner with the 4 of us. More Motown transcribing [copying music from LP disk to tape cassette]. Made an appointment with Dr Allen after Labor Day.

I will be working hard doing the things I love all my life. This book is my "getting it together."

Friday, August 24

Got up, it was raining, so we didn't go to play tennis. I drove George into NYC and picked up a box-load of records to bring back here.

Got back for dinner and started in on the transcribing, which went on till midnight, except for a couple of hours for dinner at Brock's next door.

Also, Chris Carlson called. Nice conversation with him, exchanging news. I have to get it together and push hard on all fronts. Get some gumption together and get a career going.

I also talked to Katrina, which deserves its own paragraph. We exchanged a lot of news. She is thinking of continuing indefinitely with the counseling. And getting a degree in psych from U of A [University of Arizona]. She already has two BAs in other subjects.

Saturday, August 25

So I'm very fucked up over Katrina. I shouldn't be. There are an awful lot of fish in the sea.

At midday, Mom and Bill took off for Maine on their vacation. I spent the day transcribing tapes — Motown, Beatles, oldies.

So here I am reporting dutifully to my diary on the Progress in my Reform to the Proper Way of Living and Thinking.

Sunday, August 26

Listened to music all day, took a 3½-hour walk this morning, loop around reservoir, and took my portable tape recorded with me. It was nice, to hear the sounds.

Called Chuck [Pinson]'s number and left a message for him to call me. Called Donna and Tim answered, said I could come on the California debriefing of Moonies (plural) after Labor Day, and before that maybe I could help Chuck and Mark on a DLM [Divine Light Mission].

Lifted weights (75 bench press – 45 curl – 52½ shoulder and pull over.)

Monday, August 27

Today I spun records all day, even when I was eating. Aunt Jo and Phoebe dropped in for a visit.

Except there were three "ecstatic" [Krishna jargon] phone calls. #1 was a call from George M who thanked me for my help and informed me that the parents of one of Georgia's cult friends (a 26-year-old woman) were looking into rescuing and deprogramming her.

Had a good long talk with the father (#2).

Later Genny called and invited me to come in on a deprogramming in California (#3). Oh, boy!

After these calls, I felt like jumping up and down for joy.

Tuesday, August 28

Today I went out for a 4½-hour walk, came back to receive phone calls from Tim and Virginia.

Tim says I'm going to SF to do the Krishna walkout with Ginny & 2 security men. Oh, boy!

I get some of my best ideas out walking. Today it was to go visit Greta while I'm out there. So I called Mom at Estey's Maine home and got her okay to do so.

I called Greta and told her I'd like to visit her out there in a few days. She said okay.

Ginny called to confirm. She'll pick me up at SF airport tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 29

[Rehab] is like a cult — you are expected to give back time selflessly to this higher purpose, to the people who have saved your life. Fuck!

I've been watching [Judgment at] Nuremberg [1961, starring Spencer Tracy, Burt Lancaster, Richard Widmark, and Maximilian Schell] on TV this week. Today they showed films [archival footage] of the concentration camps. I cried for half an hour. My first major crying fit since I can remember. It felt good.

I felt in closer touch with my senses.

I go out on this case with a mixture of feelings. Optimism about the outcome, a sense of urgency for both myself and the other victim, and serious doubts about my own effectiveness.

Ginny and Donna are wonderful.

It's so nice to be able to verbalize things with Katrina. I know it's a case of not having anyone to compare her with. So the same old thought-terminating situation. Finally put it into words, now I have a handle to deal with it.

If you ever want to get fired up for a deprogramming, just watch the CC [concentration camp] movies.

So I packed everything up. Donna called and said it's a 6 o'clock flight out of JFK. I got a 2:30 limo. Only trouble, I left the AC on in the house (70°), which should [cost] big bucks before someone shuts it off.

I pray for the humility and compassion to be able to help this ex-member. I pray for the courage to speak honestly and openly, without fear with Ginny and Cheryl. And I pray for the good sense go and visit sister and Rod.

Late Wednesday night the plane and I arrived in SF. Ginny, bless her heart, was there along with the subject's father to meet my late flight.

Of course, when I found out the real story, it looks as though I won't be able to visit Greta and Cheryl after all.

We came to an aunt's apartment — where Woody & Randy and where the deprogramming will take place. Then, the plan is, I'll take him down to Tucson and Ginny will go on to another case.

I had a nice talk with Ginny. We touched on many subjects. She talked about her "regression" while working at the ranch. I can sympathize.

She had been on her own from November, 1977 when she walked out of the Moonies. At first I was rough, but at least she was in the world, independently.

Then with the stints at the rehab houses, it was a little stifling for her. Now she's out again, freelancing and happier about it.

She's also struggling with the question of whether or not to go to school. It's kind of one or the other. For the security men also. And, like it or not, deprogramming is not that reliable that you can make it your all-in-all.

I couldn't do rehab because of about 4 reasons: (1) input — I need to be meeting new people, and some of them non-cultists, in the course of my living and working; (2) I'm not particularly [well] suited to that type of counseling, leading groups of people. I could do it, but I wouldn't be happy doing it; (3) hours — I can work 8 hours [a day] but not 24; (4) pay — wages are too low.

An optimistic mind is a sign of [good] mental health.

On the positive side of rehab counseling, there is the "real rush" (Katrina's phrase) you get from helping others, and the attendant self-awareness.

$100 a day.

Thursday, August 30

I love physical exercise. I miss it a lot on these deprogrammings.

Today the 4 of us got up, went out for breakfast, and came back to make the final preparations for the detention.

We were nervous, waiting for Erik to walk in. Ginny and I played guitar songs and got off on each other's singing.

Finally Erik and his Mom came in, and Woody led him into a bedroom. Ginny and I came in, introduced ourselves briefly, and started in on the deprogramming.

First day, it was the typical pattern. Initially, annoyance and threats of violence at being detained.

Then silence, and not hearing what we said. He may be chanting in his mind. Eyes poor. Facial color poor. Worse symptom is extreme muscular tension throughout the body and inability to sleep soundly.

We have little success in drawing him into conversations or in making a point hit home.

His parents are the nicest parents yet. Gentle, kind, loving. Worlds apart from [European] Americans.

My nose is good sometimes, bad other times. But never as bad as it was before, with polyps and infection.

Friday, August 31

Got up, showered, did 10 minutes of yoga, and a day of debriefing began. Ginny & I alternated. There was some slight improvement. He was talking a little more, but then going back into a space-out.

His mind is fried. He can't concentrate, even if he wants to. I took breaks to play on guitar.

At 7:30 Judy came. She is such a soft marshmallow, and she gets him to talk.

She got him to agree to hear about mind control. She is expert. He admitted maybe he was deceived.

I crashed in Erik's room for the second night and had one dream I can remember.

[In] the dream, I was back in the Krishnas, but in my present state of mind. I saw one person I had deprogrammed. There were beads of sweat on his face. He had just been on a kirtan [chanting session with musical instruments].

Another one asked me to help her stop chanting. I said, "Just stop chanting. And get rid of all the books, beads, and paraphernalia in your room."

I noticed Pariksit was observing me, and I could sense that the leaders knew what I had said, and where I was at.

Then a strange car pulled up and blocked my path. I was expecting a bunch of kshatriyas [Hare Krishna enforcers] to pile out and pound on me.

The dream ended.

Saturday, September 1

I'll get out as many as I got in, and then call it quits.

Today we all got breakfast and went in, in ones and twos, to talk to Erik. He was offering more talking than before, but was unable to concentrate on a book, a tape, or an extended rap. Still, during my turn, I got into talking about his past & future, and he was hearing it and agreeing on key points.

It was nice, but he was spaced out. Ginny says he'll need counseling after rehab to get together some things that were not there before the cult.

Plinked away on guitar in between talks, and threw a frisbee with Randy and a brother. (Woody did Katrina and Robin Spector.)

Ginny called for us all to have spaghetti dinner together, which we did (Erik had vegetarian sauce).

Day ended with guitar songs, Judy and I singing, and that idiot box. LCD [lowest common denominator]

Sunday, September 2

Today we fly out to Phoenix, Arizona. I hope to continue with Erik out there, go for a spectacular hike, and check into the apartment situation.

Then come back to SF for a visit with Cheryl and Greta. Then on back to Connecticut for more dentist and doctor appointments.

Holy shit, this work is tough. Being around ex-members weaker than you, there are some things you can't do.

Five of us flew, and we were met by Jim K and Doug in the van. I saw Katrina with her broken arm going through security check-in while we were walking out with Erik.

Did my presence make her leave? I don't have the courage to ask anyone, but Ginny tipped me off that she [Katrina] would leave [the ranch] permanently if I came permanently. Eeow! Dead things should be buried.

So it was the usual pandemonium at the ranch. Fortunately, I talked a little with Judy on the plane, and with Jim in the van.

I'm burned out with talking to Erik. Not that I don't like him.

Monday, Labor Day, September 3

If you are unhappy, it's because you are neglecting your needs.

Woke up early as usual. Had a dynamite discussion with Doug. We ended up enthused by each other's positive energy, and ready to tackle the day.

I am nowhere when it comes to man-woman. I think that will come last, or is it feasible to do other things first. I think it is somewhere in the overall equation as an important term.

Talked to Erik several times. Diana asked me to reassure him. Judy decided to fly out today, and I decided to fly join her on the Oakland plane.

So we were in that madhouse for less than 24 hours. It was getting to her also.

With each deprogramming, I learn more. My plan — tie up loose ends back East, move to Tucson, where I'll do 1 job/month and spend the rest of my time writing, exercising, meeting outside people.

I told Doug today that my social life is going to have to be outside the cult. It will happen. What do you want to get out of life?

I told Doug that I plan on growing & learning at whatever age. I believe you can get smarter and stronger as time goes on. He says, yeah, you probably kick anyway if you give up.

So Judy and I flew out to Oakland via Las Vegas. I purchased a coloring book (History of Tucson) for Nick and an Arizona calendar for Gret & Rod.

On the flight, one of the stewardesses, a gorgeous Hawaiian, sat down next to me. We started to talk about cults; she had a brother suffering in est. Anyway, my heart skipped a beat when she gave me her address & phone #.

[I never saw the flight attendant again, but I've learned that she married and had a daughter. Unfortunately, she died in 1985 at the age of 32.]

At the airport Rod was there to meet me. I talked with him, and at home with Greta and him, until late.

I started in on a narrative of my past history. Interesting. I told him about leaving college, working in NY, and going out to British Columbia.

But the first thing [I learned] when I got to Greta, Rod, Eric, Nicky, and Wes's was that Robin Spector and Kathy Mills were trying to get ahold of me on the phone.

So I called Robin. It was about a Krishna deprogramming in Chicago. I had reservations: (1) I was too tired. I had just gotten off the plane from the last one. I needed 2 days to rest and collect my wits (2) I wanted to know details and feel out what kind of trip Kathy was arranging.

Later Kathy called and told me about the security, parents, the victim's position, etc. & it sounded okay to me, but put it off for a few days. She said she would talk again to the parents.

Tuesday, September 4

Today I did a little yoga and spent the day with Greta and Wes, talking over old times & the present.

She gets along better with Dad than Mom. Apparently Mom gets on her case about diet and TM a lot. She didn't want Eric to experience Mom and Aunt Renee this visit, but that's exactly what happened.

More phone calls — the Coys & son-in-law asking questions. It sounds like they're ready to go through with it. I promised to get Joe or Tim or someone to call them.

No answer at Donna's.

[I was on the team led by Joe that deprogrammed the Coy's daughter Debbie at Joe's house later that year. She would go on to become an effective and productive exit counselor.]

Rod took me out to lunch at a nice Mexican place.

I read the first part of Walk Across America in National Geographic.

Wednesday, September 5

My last day at Hayton's San Ramon home. Would have liked to stay longer, they were going out of their way to receive me, and seemed to enjoy my presence.

Played guitar for the family. Sang with Nick, and we put it on tape. I like Nicky the best.

More phone calls: no Virginia; Cheryl was out of town; no Donna. I arranged a late-night flight to NY & Thursday appointment with Dr Lewis.

Just then, of course, I got a call from Erica, an ex-Moonie deprogrammer & [learned] that I was booked on a flight to Chicago Thursday morning.

Chuck Pinson called and gave me the name and # of a newspaper reporter who's doing a story on Krishna.

I walked 2 hours & 20 minutes. I took Eric to and from his karate class.

We had dinner together, the 6 of us, and some more discussions about cults, etc. I never talked about TM.

Greta is great with the children, guiding them as they need it, without domineering, and giving them space as they are ready for it. It was a pleasure to watch.

Similarly, Rod is very affectionate and works hard to pay all the bills. He's learning how to be a manager, and will make better money as he gets the experience. He loves claims adjusting.

[Greta] has taken the first of three [Transcendental Meditation] teacher training courses.

So, what with all the heavy phone calls, Greta was very anxious [about] what I was up to, and how I felt about Krishna and why, because of some of the similarities with TM.

Thursday, September 6

Early morning flight to Chicago. Rod took me to the airport. Smooth flight into O'Hare airport where I met Mr S (father), Erica (ex-Moonie from LA), [and] Arty (ex-DLM).

We drove out to the place and heard about Jim's involvement. Rescue went smoothly. We started in on him — no response — just tape recorder repetitions of doctrine.

He holds an outside job as a computer programmer, but is brainwashed. Didn't sleep much the first night.

Friday, September 7

Deprogramming pattern — occasional flashes of thought, insight & a few tears in the midst of staunch defense of doctrine. We all tried, including his father.

I went on a walk with Erica.

We took turns talking in ones, twos, threes to no apparent avail. I think we touched on everything.

Saturday, September 8

Erica was from LA, a 1½-year Moonie, out for 3 [years], and has just left a 1-year stint at Kathy Mills.

Took a bath each morning and Jim's granddad cooked bacon & eggs breakfast. Jim's dad was great in a one-on-one.

Today was the day Jim broke. It was a clear break — with tears and thinking. Then confusion (real). It took about 48 hours.

We all had dinner together, and of course the whole atmosphere was joyous rather than tense.

Sunday, September 9

When I got home I was tired but I felt good. I knew I was burning myself out with all this anti-cult stuff.

Erica has to take Jim to rehab.

She said, "It is so good to see you here. It's like you've returned from the dead."

We recapped the debriefing for Jim in the living room and Erica and I went outside to say goodbye. Will she come visit me? I have invited her.

Arty & I flew to LaGuardia. I took the limo [home]. Forgot to change and I ended up in Timbuktu. Mom met me at the parking lot.

AFTERWORD

Rarely have I done as much work on myself in such a short time as during the summer of '79.

I had little further contact with Katrina, but I did continue to do deprogrammings on and off for the next couple of years.

I was happy to move on to other endeavors — most of us were, each in our own way — but there's little question in my mind that pausing my involvement in anti-cult work allowed key elements of my emotional growth to stagnate. Such are the difficult trade-offs for cult survivors.

Monthly meetings with other survivors have proved helpful, but despite Bill and Lorna Goldberg's consummate example, some of them have suffered from autocratic facilitator syndrome. We all have our unresolved personal and cult-related issues, but a failure to create a welcoming and democratic atmosphere in the meetings is counterproductive and greatly diminishes their reach and effectiveness.

People will simply refuse to attend such a meeting.

Attendance at national anti-cult conferences seems to have fallen since the 1980s. This appears to be due in part to the proliferation of active cult members in events including break-out healing sessions for cult survivors.

I no longer attend conferences, but they've generally proved helpful to me over the years. Many of the pioneering figures in the anti-cult movement, including John Clark and Maurice Davis, are sadly no longer with us.

BOOKS & ARTICLES

Richard Condon, The Manchurian Candidate (novel), 1959
Flo Conway & Jim Siegelman, Snapping: America's Epidemic of Sudden Personality Change, 1978
Chris Edwards, Crazy for God, 1979
Kevin Garvey, "The Serpentine Serenity of est," Christianity Today, January 21, 1977
William Glasser, Reality Therapy, 1965
Peter Jenkins, Walk Across America, 1979
Robert J Lifton, Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, 1961
 "The Appeal of the Death Trip," New York Times Magazine, January 7, 1979
Ted Patrick, Let Our Children Go!, 1976
John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, 1969
William Sargant, Battle for the Mind: a Physiology of Conversion and Brain-washing, 1957
Margaret T Singer, PhD, "Coming Out of the Cults," Psychology Today, January 1979
Allen Tate Wood, Moonstruck: A Memoir of my Life in a Cult, 1979

FILMOGRAPHY

David and Lisa, 1962
Girl, Interrupted, 1999
Judgment at Nuremberg, 1961