CACTUSPEAR.ORG PRESENTS

blog 2016

eccentric observations, cracked opinions, and nonstandard commentary


tuesday, december 28, 2016

be careful, mr president

if obama continues to diss netanyanu at the u.n. ...

then israel may be left with no choice ...

other than to cut off the billions of dollars ...

in economic and military aid ...

they send us every year ...

to prop up our government


saturday, november 12, 2016

time to give manhattan island back to the indians?

i'll happily put up the $24


thursday, november 3, 2016

putin trying to influence the election

maybe we should just give him and his cronies their own congressional district


saturday, october 29, 2016

whew, that was a close one

after a scary political season

we can all rest assured that after hundreds of years

we'll finally have our very first female, $1 billion-plus president

i'm no longer worried about about the fate of the republic


saturday, october 29, 2016

'the election is rigged'

on the way to her coronation

hillary is riding in the royal carriage

its oversized wheels are spashing mud onto the weary faces of the gathered commonfolk

she turns to her top-hatted husband and says

'i can't believe how anyone could think that the election is rigged'


tuesday, october 18, 2016

pejorative terms used to dismiss voters of modest means

low information voters, lowest common denominator, people who vote against their own self-interest


sunday, october 16, 2016

school

they teach you to sit down and shut up

when they should be teaching you to stand and raise up your voice for human rights and freedom


saturday, october 15, 2016

2016, i love you

like anyone who comments on current events

i'm grateful for the endless trove of bizarre and unlikely material

that this year has brought us

i'll hate to see it end


thursday, october 13, 2016

dylan's nobel prize in literature

i remember having arguments as far back as the 60s about whether his lyrics were poetry

i always thought that, yes, at their best they were poetry

or at least as close to it as you'll ever get in song


monday, october 10, 2016

the wall

if mexico pays for the wall

won't they at least deserve naming rights?


monday, october 10, 2016

america the beautiful

america is the city on the hill

offering a beacon of hope to the world

and surrounded by a big, beautiful wall


thursday, october 6, 2016

the wit & wisdom of mort sahl, updated

if trump wins, it'll be all hillary's fault

he would lose if he ran unopposed


wednesday, september 28, 2016

children's rights?

i'm so thrilled to learn that in the future, babies will be able to choose how many parents they want


monday, september 26, 2016

aging party

some of the speakers at the democratic national convention in july

80+: dolores huerta, dianne feinstein, barbara mikulski

75+: madeline albright, eleanor holmes norton, leon panetta, maxine waters, steny hoyer, james cliburn, harry reid, john lewis, tom harken, nancy pelosi, jerry brown, barbara boxer

70+: mike bloomberg, jesse jackson, bernie sanders, joe biden, bill clinton

65+: kareem abdul jabbar, jean shaheen, hillary clinton, raul grijalva, ted dansen, richard trumka, john podesta, merrill streep, elizabeth warren, howard dean, sigourney weaver, sheila jackson lee, khizr & ghazala khan, chuck schumer, al franken


sunday, september 18, 2016

another drinking-related t-shirt

beer is the only reason i get up every afternoon


sunday, august 28, 2016

twitter

the problem with twitter is that it's way too good at exposing intellectual and character deficiencies

you might think that 140 characters is insufficient evidence to hang

but you would be wrong


saturday, august 14, 2016

a clash of civilizations of olympic proportions

my tai-chi instructor says that they should give medals to those who move the slowest, not the fastest


saturday, august 14, 2016

body armor?

trump and clinton seem to be looking a little thick around the torso when appearing in public


wednesday, july 13, 2016

what part of 'no' ...? (true story)

i once showed my medical alert pendant to an off-duty urgent-care nurse

and asked her what she would do differently with a patient like me

the pendant read 'blood platelet disorder — no nsaids'

her response was, "why does it say 'number nsaids'?"


saturday, july 9, 2016

'hamilton'

now that the life & times of the treasury founder have become a successful musical

i can't wait for other gripping, compelling historical entertainment

like a grand operatic version of the missouri compromise

or a soft-shoe version of the storming of the bastille


thursday, july 7, 2016

'quincy jones told me jazz is the classical music of pop'

(jazz prodigy jacob collier, as quoted by the guardian news)

not only that, but bebop is the folk music of grunge

hip-hop is the polka music of bluegrass

and do-wop is the ranchero music of punk


sunday, june 12, 2016

dissident voices

they are to the conversation as leavening is to bread

without them the loaf is heavy and nearly inedible


thursday, may 26, 2016

mark cuban offers himself as running mate to clinton & trump

what a coincidence, i was just about to offer them my services, too


saturday, may 21, 2016

can politicians learn from nascar drivers?

i think that politicians should be required to wear logo patches from all the corporations they take money from


sunday, may 15, 2016

is this the schoolhouse door again?

will the southern governors be standing in the bathroom door?


tuesday, april 13, 2016

many are called

but few have chosen to return my calls


saturday, march 19, 2016

new job opportunity for theater & tv critics

the political reporters have gotten this political season so wrong so consistently

it's time to bring in the theater critics

for one thing, they feel no need to predict an outcome

(they'd much rather be surprised)

and they know their job is only to report how good the show is


saturday, march 19, 2016

media story lines

there are only two or three approved story lines

'local boy makes good'

'the mighty have fallen due to fatal character flaws'

if the media is boring me this much

one can only imagine how much they must be boring themselves


monday, february 15, 2016

i hate the rock stars of the 80s

david bowie is the most narcissistic person ever

he's the example of style over substance

lacking musical talent and unable to write or sing

he's the perfect post-modern media star

he played the public and the press like the musical instruments he never bothered to learn


thursday, february 11, 2016

shortest job interview (true story)

interviewer: why are you late?

me: i had trouble getting a cab at the train station

interviewer: having a car is a requirement for this job


sunday, january 24, 2016

tough job for primary voters

they're facing a challenging set of choices in the coming weeks & months

trying to decide which outsider politician is telling the most believable lies

and which insider is the most likely, when bought, to remain faithfully so

so help me, jesus


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