CACTUSPEAR.ORG PRESENTS

blog 2015

eccentric observations, cracked opinions, and nonstandard commentary


saturday, december 5, 2015

delicate exercise in cross-cultural communication

one of my medical care providers, who is south asian, thinks that caucasians don't get pale when they're sick ...

because they're already pale ...

what's next, red people who can't blush and yellow people who can't have jaundice?


saturday, november 22, 2015

on being a writer

you're supposed to write even when you don't feel like it ...

no wonder there's so much boring, headless, passionless writing


friday, october 16, 2015

wedding vows in an era of dangerously extreme weather

in addition to 'in sickness and in health' ...

there should be ...

'in extreme heat as well as bitter cold' ...

'in high water as well as extreme drought'


friday, october 16, 2015

president ford headline

apparently someone in his administration told a dirty joke ...

the perfect headline would have been ...

'blue joke in whitehouse turns faces red'


tuesday, october 13, 2015

ben carson's talented hands

will he accept the challenge of surgically separating the 2-headed monster he helped to create by merging religion & politics?


sunday, september 20, 2015

scott walker

if richard nixon is a used car salesman ...

and gerald ford is the guy who answers the buzzer at the supermarket meat counter ...

then scott walker is a weekend duck hunter ...

no matter how much high-end clothing and equipment he buys ...

he still looks like a guy from the suburbs


tuesday, september 8, 2015

things you learn while living in an apartment that overlooks a residential parking lot

to thoroughly pick a full-size dumpster ...

allow at least two hours


monday, august 31, 2015

boneheaded maneuver of the week (and it's only monday)

scott walker wants to look into the idea of building a wall at the canadian border ...

the great thing about being a blogger in the political season ...

is that you don't have to do any work, any imaginative thinking of your own ...

the politicians do it all for you


friday, august 28, 2015

kasich again

king john the first wants to ban teachers' lounges ...

the contempt with which some treat ordinary working people is surpassing ...

teachers dare to assert their legal right to bargain for their wages and to earn job security ...

in the minds of some, these are high crimes against the state and the ruling classes


wednesday, august 19, 2015

life's a stage?

did i just hear john kasich compare undocumented immigrants ...

to people who crash a taylor swift concert?


wednesday, august 19, 2015

dear clint eastwood

having all the most efficient snipers in the world ...

isn't going to help you ...

the day china & india surpass the united states in gdp ...

when they have the economic upper hand ...

all the movies about sniper heroes aren't going to help you much


tuesday, july 14, 2015

if politics is a horserace

then donald trump is the american pharoah


friday, june 19, 2015

dear audiobook readers

if you emphasize all the wrong words in a sentence ...

you destroy its meaning ...

it's 'ROSES are RED and VIOLETS are BLUE' ...

not 'roses ARE red and violets ARE blue' ...

thank you


tuesday, june 9, 2015

a bathroom

shouldn't be judged by externalities like the gender signage on its door ...

but rather by the quality of its plumbing


wednesday, may 27, 2015

declaring war on the war metaphor

one of our worst anti-democratic impulses ...

is calling everything a war: war on terror, war on crime, war on drugs ...

we use the comparison when we want to expend unlimited public resources with little or no accountability ...

and when we're not in the mood to take civilian, non-combatant casualties into account


tuesday, may 26, 2015

school's in

you've heard the aphorism that it's never too late to have a happy childhood ...

in my old age i finally have the chance to do some self-directed home schooling ...

and learn all the things i didn't learn in my formal schooling


tuesday, may 26, 2015

to theoretical physicists

you can only represent nature mathematically

if nature is, in fact, mathematically representable


tuesday, may 12, 2015

hall of fame for guys who can't sing (but who can communicate)

leonard cohen, bob dylan, dr john, garrison keillor, kris kristofferson, rod mckuen, lou reed, william shatner, tom waits, neil young

who am i missing?


thursday, april 9, 2015

audiobooks

one of the pitfalls of audiobooks is that "f = ma" may be read as "eff equals ma," as in "ma & pa"


tuesday, march 31, 2015

robosourcing

we all know that you can save money by replacing a worker with a robot ...

but if you really want to save some big bucks ...

you should replace the astronauts with robots


thursday, february 19, 2015

to author interviewers

read the book before interviewing ...

if the political & science reporters are required to live & breathe their specialties ...

then the book reviewer should be required to live & breathe books


sunday, february 8, 2015

to journalists

fractions, percents, ratios & units ...

ideas that used to be taught in middle school ...

if you're uncomfortable with them ...

then leave them out of your articles ...

or have a numerate editor review your work


thursday, february 5, 2015

borders

i'm the only person i know who thinks they're a bad idea


wednesday, february 4, 2015

solution to coming global warming catastrophe

instead to migrating to mars ...

we could all float above the earth in hot air balloons ...

kept aloft by termed-out windy politicians working in shifts ...

and paid whatever the prevailing minimum wage was in their jurisdiction when they were in office


tuesday, february 3, 2015

can't get no respect

people who hike the appalachian or pacific crest trails are treated like romantic heroes or demigods ...

but people who walk the same number of miles while delivering the u.s. mail are considered parasites


saturday, january 31, 2015

non-vegetarian entertainers' hall of fame

captain beefheart, chickenfoot, dewey 'pigmeat' markham, heart, hot tuna, lamb chop, meatloaf, ozzy osborne, phish, pigpen mckernan, whitesnake ...


sunday, january 25, 2015

do playing cards enjoy upward mobility?

if you shuffle a deck, some of the cards will move up ...

and others down ...

in a zero-sum way ...

so long as the size of the deck remains the same


monday, january 13, 2015

message to dictators

if you set the cartoonists free ...

pretty soon everyone will want to be free


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