CACTUSPEAR.ORG PRESENTS

blog 2014

eccentric observations, cracked opinions, and nonstandard commentary


thursday, december 25, 2014

is race a fiction?

not really, it's more like sloppy reporting


thursday, december 4, 2014

repetitive listening behavior syndrome

if you've been listening day and night for a week to louvin brothers roots music cd's ...

then either they're that good and that important ...

or you're slowly becoming an aural forrest gump on downers


thursday, december 4, 2014

hardest potbelly on the block

i started doing leg lifts and sit-ups to deal with an ever-expanding waistline ...

it didn't help much with the size of the paunch ...

but it did make my big belly a little firmer


thursday, november 20, 2014

if money were speech

then bank robbers could mount a first-amendment defence


thursday, november 20, 2014

janet napolitano

here's the deal ...

if you come out as gay, i'll buy you the biggest bouquet of flowers you ever got in your whole life ...

i'm not above a little bribery of a public official every now and then


tuesday, november 11, 2014

gop unveils new strategy

in the wake of their electoral landslide, the rejuvenated republican party unveils a new strategy:

henceforward all fetuses will have exactly the same legal rights and privileges as corporations


thursday, november 6, 2014

management principle #1

don't punish people for doing the right thing


tuesday, september 30, 2014

another t-shirt seen recently

'not a morning person' doesn't even begin to describe


thursday, september 4, 2014

read it and weep

number of american women in last 16 at u.s. open: 1 (serena williams, who turns 33 this month)

number of american men in last 16 at u.s. open: 0


thursday, september 4, 2014

overheard in downtown berkeley

where are you from?

melbourne

do you know tommy and larry?


sunday, august 31, 2014

new students arrive

they're so innocent looking ...

don't worry, the university will corrupt them in no time ...


sunday, august 31, 2014

accidents

people are always talking about car accidents, gun accidents, industrial accidents, and so on ...

the best definition of the word was given by ambrose bierce (1842 to circa 1914):

'an inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws'


sunday, august 31, 2014

9-year-old blows away her shooting instructor with an uzi

daddy, what's this button for?

that's the trigger, sweetie, be a good girl and pull the trigger ...

daddy, i missed the target ...

don't worry about that, snookums, just push the other button, the one that says 'full auto' ...

daddy, i blew the instructor's head off, what do i do now?

don't worry, sweetie pie, i'm sure someone will call 911 ...

mother: let's go to disneyland ...

YEEAAAHH!!! but daddy, who's going to clean up all the blood?

don't worry, precious, i'm sure they have people here who will come and clean it all up ... let's get out of here


saturday, august 23, 2014

protected wilderness areas

i'm the only person i know who thinks they're a bad idea ...

they give the impression that it's okay to pollute elsewhere ...

the whole world should be declared a protected area


saturday, august 23, 2014

living in a college town

there's a certain class of individuals who hang out in college towns ...

they're aging twentysomethings who like the party scene, the clubs, the bars, the endless supply of young, single, slightly tipsy women ...

they have no visible means of support beyond routine day jobs ...

all of this is a polite way of saying, they're drug dealers ...

hey, the upper middle-class students need their recreational and performance-enhancing drugs


tuesday, august 19, 2014

cops versus protesters

what if they gave a riot and neither side showed up?


sunday, june 1, 2014

ask and you will find verbs that have become nouns

since when are 'ask' and 'find' nouns?

as in, 'that's quite an ask', or 'she's quite a find' ...

how come no one sent me the memo on this?


saturday, april 26, 2014

bristol hotel

the first block of mason street in the tenderloin is a tough block ...

the hilton hotel, the biggest hotel in san francisco, is one block to the north ...

and the nordstrom shopping center is a block and a half to the southeast ...

i stepped past a guy passed out on the sidewalk ...

the bristol is the hotel where valerie solanis, shooter of andy warhol, died ...

it was boarded up but i stepped closer to the front door so i could read a plaque saying that the building was on the national registry of historic places ...

big mistake, you have to be smarter than that in the city ...

just then, i hear 'EXCUSE ME, SIR!' ...

i turn around and a guy is peeing on the sidewalk between two trash cans ...

you never turn your back on anyone in the tenderloin ...

i got the hell out of there


tuesday, march 18, 2014

on the death of l'wren scott

let me say the things others can't say ...

i'm mad ...

i'm mad at her ...

i'm mad at the rest of us for not doing more ...

i want her back ...

so she can be with the people she loves ...

and with the people who love her ...

i'm mad


monday, february 3, 2014

the television

when the tv was invented, it quickly became the most important piece of furniture in the living room ...

when the large screen tv was invented, the sofa became the most important piece of furniture


thursday, january 30, 2014

occupational hazard

one of the problems with autobiographical writing ...

is that you start to mistake the description for the reality


wednesday, january 8, 2014

male socialization

you have to wonder about how men are socialized ...

they're born of woman, raised by mom and aunties ...

taught by mostly female teachers and teacher's aides ...

then when boys reach puberty ...

suddenly all women are bitches and 'ho's


saturday, january 4, 2014

overheard recently on a college campus

she: i was NOT tipsy when i got to the party! i know my limits ... you're the one that doesn't know their limits ...

he (imitating her voice): Hey YOU! I LOVE YOU, I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU!

she: that was later


thursday, january 2, 2014

putin

part james bond and part james bond villain ...


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