CACTUSPEAR.ORG PRESENTS

blog 2009

eccentric observations, cracked opinions, and nonstandard commentary


wednesday, december 30, 2009

children & dogs

i hate reading about dogs who attack children ...

how many adults would 'play' with an animal that's much bigger than they are ...


monday, december 28, 2009

women won't leave me alone

why have i been thinking about heather all day today ...

i haven't seen or heard from her in 15 years ...


tuesday, november 24, 2009

on cigars & penises

why do cigars symbolize penises ...

but penises never symbolize cigars ...


tuesday, november 24, 2009

inner adult

i believe that within every child there's an inner adult ...

just waiting to come out ...

now you know why i'd never make a successful new-age guru ...


sunday, november 8, 2009

anagrams

all things considered = deadliness chortling; aching sodden trellis

elsa peretti = steep retail

joseph biden = heed spin job

national public radio = dialup acorn libation; actual ribald opinion

sarah palin = a sharp nail


sunday, november 8, 2009

phrases you can't use in polite conversation

one has to admire the discipline of the educated classes ...

you can't say empire, colonialism, weapons of mass destruction, scorched earth policy, puppet government, strongman, or mercenary ...

when you're talking about america ...

or forced servitude, econcomic exploitation, religious extremism, white rule, police-backed political candidates, or military-backed political parties ...

when they're happening inside the mother country ...


monday, november 2, 2009

is america a christian nation?

the default religion seems to be paganism ...

the holiday elves, bunnies & halloween spooks greatly outnumber the images of christ ...


friday, october 30, 2009

hobo voyager's dilemma

do you wear a free t-shirt ...

if it has a corporate logo ...


thursday, october 29, 2009

web 2.0

everybody knows you shouldn't buy a release when it first comes out ...

too many bugs ...

i'm waiting for web 2.1 or 2.2 ...


thursday, october 29, 2009

eucalyptus trees

why are they cutting them down?

nobody seems to like them ...

even though they smell good & provide shade ...

i think it's because they're australian, not native ...

they're the deportable illegal immigrants of the plant world ...


wednesday, october 28, 2009

well rounded

i don't want to be well rounded ...

i prefer having sharp elbows & knee caps ...


monday, october 26, 2009

celebrity sightings, shopping at macy's

diane feinstein, willie brown, ron dellums, patrick ewing ...


monday, october 26, 2009

celebrity sightings, selling something at macy's

you know them, i'm sure ...

tommy hilfiger, sarah jessica parker, paris hilton, pete sampras, donald trump, john legend, david beckham ...


monday, october 26, 2009

the info desk

it's the crossroads of macy's ...

in turn, the crossroads of union square ...

the crossroads of sf ...

the crossroads of the pacific coast ...

one of the crossroads of the world ...


monday, october 26, 2009

feminism

you can read all the theory you like ...

but you'll never read about female predation ...

or female insistence ...

or female territoriality ...

i'm greedy ...

i want all of her ...

not just the parts that fit the theory ...


monday, october 26, 2009

outdoor lifestyle in the bay area

the days get down on their hands & knees ...

and beg you to come outside ...


monday, october 26, 2009

stuff

it's all about stuff ...

whether you're a yuppie with an suv ...

or a student packing for the trip to school ...

or a homeless person pushing a cart ...

it's all about stuff ...

do I have all my stuff ...

where's my stuff ...

what happened to my stuff ...

where can I stash my stuff ...

do you want to buy my radio ...

how much do you want for that coat ....

it's all about stuff ...

isn't it?


monday, october 26, 2009

mirror on the wall

i hate the mirror now ...

part of the pain of growing old is realizing how narcissistic you really are ...


monday, october 26, 2009

cold pizza

what is it about day-old leftover mushroom pizza ...

that's so irresistible ...


monday, october 26, 2009

bailouts

they don't work ...

they only transfer debts from one balance sheet to another ...


monday, october 26, 2009

when i die

i want my funeral to be a happy occasion ...


monday, october 26, 2009

the rain

i love it when it rains ...

it's moody & atmospheric ...


monday, october 26, 2009

east/west

the northeast may have weather ...

but california has disasters ...


wednesday, october 21, 2009

coat & tie

a tie pulled too tightly around the neck cuts off the blood supply to the brain ...

that explains the idiot decisions that businessmen & government officials make ...


sunday, october 11, 2009

drug testing

it should be mandatory for all elected officials ...

and everyone who takes an oath of office ...


friday, september 18, 2009

how to see the world

at sixty mph, you see almost nothing ...

at twenty-five, you see a little more ...

at five, you see a lot more ...

at zero, you see it all ...

even who's doing whom ...

try it ...


sunday, august 23, 2009

another web posting

another witless pithicism ...


sunday, august 23, 2009

city bus clientele

too old to drive ...

too poor to own a car ...

lost their license due to dwi ...

disabled ...

recent immigrants still learning english ...

school children ...

where's the middle class?


sunday, august 23, 2009

ohlone greenway

the walking & biking path beneath the bart tracks in the east bay ...

you see children going to & from school ...

people out for their 15- or 20-minute jog or bike ride ...

people out pooping their dogs ...

commuters walking to & from the bart station ...

almost no one uses the greenway as a transportation link on a par with other forms of transportation ...


sunday, august 16, 2009

how to know when you're reading a poem

look for dead-giveaway words like 'orb', 'clime', 'eve', 'verdant', 'slate', 'morn', 'redolent' ...


sunday, august 9, 2009

universities

you often hear them called 'paper factories' or 'diploma mills' ...

industrial age metaphors ...

the truth is that their organizational model is feudalism ...

lords & ladies with indentured servants fighting over tiny plots of land ...


sunday, august 9, 2009

today's lesson in democracy, class

why is the high school student council president elected ...

and the principal isn't ...


friday, july 31, 2009

left-handed bart riders

if you put your ticket into the turnstile with your left hand ...

your gate doesn't open ...

but the next one does ...

allowing someone else to enter on your dollar ...

a perfect metaphor for the way people who are different are treated ...


thursday, july 30, 2009

our disposable culture

everything has a short life span ...

except the food we eat ...


wednesday, july 22, 2009

the latest bad music downloads

i call them a waste of perfectly good 1's and 0's ...


thursday, july 9, 2009

panic saving

you've heard of panic selling ...

but when you're nervous about losing your job ...

and you find yourself maxing your 401-k contributions ...

that's when you know you're involved in panic saving ...


wednesday, july 8, 2009

how to put on a vanessa-mae concert

first you plug in all the instruments & amps ...

then you plug in the lights & special effects ...

then you plug in vanessa-mae ...


monday, june 29, 2009

just between you & me

i have a secret crush on the dykes on bikes ...

i think they're just adorable ...


monday, june 15, 2009

computer geekdom

even when i was working in information technology ...

i never fit in very well with geek culture ...

i don't drink coffee ...

nor use cocaine ...

nor work late at night ...

i don't play games ...

nor enjoy pulling pranks ...

nor wear a pony tail or a neck beard ...

and i hate science fiction ...

especially star trek ...

and no, i don't speak klingon ...


monday, june 15, 2009

ultra-cautious

people say to me, 'you're 60 years old & never married, what gives?'

i ask them, what's the great big rush?

marriage isn't something you just rush into willy-nilly ...


sunday, june 7, 2009

another broken aphorism

the key to learning how to break up with your girlfriend without any hurt feelings is practice, practice, practice ...


saturday, june 6, 2009

notice concerning late-night web surfing

i'm not responsible for anything i write between 3 am & 5 am ...


friday, may 29, 2009

if i were in charge

no movie actor who plays a high school (college) student would be allowed to be more than 21 (25) years of age ...


monday, may 25, 2009

some panhandler signs seen recently

spare change so that i may become a yuppie ...

the greatest nation in the world: dough-nation ...

change is good ...


wednesday, may 13, 2009

is this the second american century?

more likely the tenth chinese century ...


wednesday, may 13, 2009

don't worry too much about the viruses

it isn't in their interest to kill all of us ...


monday, may 4, 2009

relationships

i'm much too lazy for relationships ...


wednesday, april 29, 2009

a plan to end the recession

after plan 'a' fails & plan 'b' fails, ...

i fear that they'll go straight to plan 'w' — war


monday, april 27, 2009

headlines that didn't make the onion

government develops advanced computer program that says there's no recession

rock-throwing demonstrators demand an end to the violence

u.s. charges iran with fueling worldwide industrial revolution

u.s. charges north korea with fomenting kimchee

drone strike in pakistan kills 17 suspected humans

stock market declines (advances) on fears of a stock market decline (advance)


monday, april 27, 2009

if i were in charge

ceo's would be required to publicly open their consumer products ...


sunday, april 26, 2009

vanessa-mae

the violin & the woman are one ...

the woman & the violin are one ...


thursday, march 5, 2009

animal metaphors

i hope the next great social movement will be in favor of children's rights ...

just look at the language we use ...

'kids' ...

they don't call women 'chicks' anymore ...


friday, february 6, 2009

two rules for the economy

rule #1: the bigger the party, the bigger the hangover ...

corollary: the longer the party, the longer the hangover ...


friday, february 6, 2009

radio free me

every time i turn on my radio ...

all i can get is pro-u.s. propaganda ...


wednesday, february 4, 2009

life on frat row

the drunken frat boy parties usually wimp out at about 3 or 4 in the morning ...

and the garbage men don't show until 6 am ...

giving me a couple of hours of sleep ...

two worlds colliding ...

the world of men who work for a living ...

and boys — our future doctors, lawyers & politicians — who have no known responsibilities ...


wednesday, february 4, 2009

bay area real estate

i was at lo's house in san francisco one afternoon ...

we were having tea in her garden ...

and the sunlight was filtering softly through the tree leaves ...

she said, 'people say i'm so LUCKY to have a house'

'it has nothing to do with LUCK'

'it's about being in the right place at the right time'

'and being smart enough to take advantage of your opportunities'

then the real estate boom hit ...

a few years later, we were again having tea in the garden ...

and the sunlight was filtering softly through the leaves ...

she turned to me and said, 'I AM SO LUCKY' ...


wednesday, february 4, 2009

faces

asian woman's face is like the full moon ...

european woman's face is like the new moon ...

both very different ...

both very beautiful ...


sunday, february 1, 2009

how to tell when a guy is having a problem with falls

he's using a cane ...

and the soles of his sneakers look like they were made by the goodyear tire & rubber company ...


monday, january 26, 2009

spry & well-preserved

when you start hearing words like 'spry', 'well-preserved' & 'ageless' ...

that's when you know you're getting old ...

to be on the safe side, i take a bath in pickle juice every night ...


wednesday, january 21, 2009

city parks

they're little more than big doggy commodes ...

some of the parks in the nicer neighborhoods may be very clean ...

but they're still commodes ...


friday, january 16, 2009

how do you choose?

i'm having a hard time choosing between my girlfriend rotunda ...

and my other girlfriend anorexia ...


friday, january 16, 2009

alternative energy sources

you've got your hydrogen guys ...

your solar guys ...

and your corn ethanol guys ...

myself, i'm a dung man ...

i believe the solution to america's energy needs is bird poo-poo ...


monday, january 12, 2009

wives & girlfriends

when asked why he's stayed married for all these years ...

he replied tearfully, 'because my girlfriends just don't *understand* me ...'


monday, january 5, 2009

doctors

they should be required to post on their doors the essay they wrote when applying to medical school ...

the one that said they were doing this because they wanted to help people, not for the money ...


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