CACTUSPEAR.ORG PRESENTS

blog 2008

eccentric observations, cracked opinions, and nonstandard commentary


thursday, december 25, 2008

cheesy, cheesier, cheesiest

if i ever get married ...

i want it to be in the cheesiest elvis chapel in vegas ...

(which a friend insists is actually in reno) ...

with a rent-a-mom-and-dad ...


monday, december 15, 2008

pornutopia

no fear of rejection, no jealousy, no failures, no sagging body parts, no bad smells, no pregnancy or disease ...


wednesday, december 10, 2008

trickle-up

i don't believe in the "trickle-down" theory ...

i believe in "trickle-up" ...

that's the theory that if you provide people with decent jobs, they'll buy houses, cars, and so on, and the money will eventually trickle its way up to the corporate ceo's ...


tuesday, december 9, 2008

quality time

quality time is nice enough, as far as it goes ...

but children want quantity time ...

they want you there at the moment they have a question about their homework ...

not before, not after ...


tuesday, december 2, 2008

lies we tell ourselves

it can't make you fat if it isn't sweet ...

it can't make you fat if it has lots of fiber ...

it can't make you fat if you cut it into small enough pieces ...

it can't make you fat if you chew it well enough ...

it can't make you fat if you eat it after midnight ...

it can't make you fat if you eat it while exercising ...

it can't make you fat if you eat it on a holiday or your birthday ...

it can't make you fat if you eat it on valentine's day ...

it won't make you fat this year if it didn't make you fat last year ...

you aren't fat if you hide it well enough ...

you aren't fat if you can still see your toes ...

you aren't fat if no one ever sees you without your clothes on ...


wednesday, november 12, 2008

political code terms for white middle class

low-tax, flat-tax, town hall, independent, heartland, rock-ribbed, bedrock values, libertarian ...


wednesday, november 12, 2008

political code terms for race

crime, three strikes, drugs, immigration, english only, families with dependent children, affirmative action, teen pregnancy ...


wednesday, november 12, 2008

shock incarceration

i don't want anyone to think i'm one of those squishy, weak-kneed, anything-goes liberals; i'm strongly in favor of boot camps for politicians, like the wayward member of the mayor's staff who sexually harassed a coworker, or the congressman who failed to come clean about his relationship with an intern ...

i don't know about you, but i for one am not ready to give up on these criminals; it would be easy to simply turn our backs on them, throw up our hands, and say that there's nothing that anyone can do; i frankly admit it's easy to believe that they are simply bad, incorrigible ...

i beg to differ, however; i believe that many of them are basically good people from otherwise respectable families who tragically fall in with an unsavory crowd, like other politicians, for example ...

a good, strong, no-nonsense, tough-love, behavior modification program will show them that someone cares, and help them to again find their way ...

contrary to popular belief, adults crave structure ...

i would remind the reader that the only alternative is to waste a lot more money on jails, rehab centers, and the like ...

shock incarceration for delinquent politicians may sound harsh, but it is really the highest expression of our love and concern for them ...


tuesday november 11, 2008

smokers

how addicted you are is inversely proportional to the number of seconds between leaving the building and lighting up ...


tuesday, november 11, 2008

how to build up your abs

the most exercise some guys get is trying to hold in their big, fat guts whenever a young woman enters the room ...


tuesday november 11, 2008

now that george bush is stepping down

who will be the next leader of guns and religion?

who will be the next rector of the religion of rat-a-tat-tat?

who will be the new deacon of dum-dum, the emperor of exit wounds, the bishop of ballistics, the high priest of perforated targets, the monseignor of mayhem, the cardinal of carnage, our lady of open flesh wounds?


tuesday november 11, 2008

npr is a lullaby

♫ 'don't worry, your investments they are safe ...' ♫

♫ 'pay no attention to the budget deficits and national debt ...' ♫

♫ 'pay no attention to skyrocketing oil and energy prices or the falling dollar ...' ♫

♫ 'your suburban, middle-class, consumption-oriented lifestyle (with perhaps a few modest modifications here or there) is safe ...' ♫


saturday, october 25, 2008

becoming your father

people say that all men eventually become their fathers ...

i don't think so, not exactly ...

more likely, they become their uncles ...


saturday, october 25, 2008

human beings

they're a tough bunch ...


wednesday, october 22, 2008

life in senior housing

in the past two years ...

1 suicide by jumping off the roof ...

1 death by an overdose of street drugs ...

1 man committed to 24-hour nursing care because of advanced neurological disease, since died ...

who's next?


tuesday, october 14, 2008

cheesy one-liners that never work

while crossing the street: 'let's get run over together'

at work: 'i'm organizing a massive prison break, and i have to know, are you in or out?'

anytime: 'let's run away to india together, and float down the ganges in a houseboat, visiting all the ancient temples along the way ... just you and me and a dog and cat that were raised together from birth'


tuesday, october 14, 2008

commuters

the first thing they do after sitting down is to take out their reading materials ...

they seem determined to put the commute time to some kind of good use ...

just minutes later, however, most of them are asleep ...

what does it say about our culture that reading induces sleep?


thursday, october 9, 2008

new, improved Torture Lite

it's safe AND effective ...

guaranteed NO harmful aftereffects ...

THOROUGHLY TESTED on live subjects under battlefield conditions ...

NO human beings were killed in the testing of this product ...


thursday, october 9, 2008

old men's faces

they're bald, fleshy, and toothless, like a baby's ...


thursday october 9, 2008

berkeley

the problem with living in non-conformist places is that you might end up fitting in ...

which defeats the purpose of moving there in the first place ...


thursday, october 9, 2008

my spell checker has bad manners

Manfred ⇒ manured

Latour ⇒ latrine

Travolta ⇒ triviality

Abby ⇒ baby


thursday, october 9, 2008

some t-shirts seen recently

henceforth, everyone will work overtime without pay until morale improves

i appreciate the muppets at a deeper level than you

i do all my own stunts (seen on a 6-year-old boy)

there are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't

my drinking team has a big hockey problem

team beatnik

roosevelt for president

sex without love is great exercise

i've had trouble remembering dates since 1860

haikus are easy / but sometimes they don't make sense / refrigerator


thursday, october 9, 2008

first sentence of a novel

'the first night, we crossed the border into tibet ...'


thursday, october 9, 2008

childing

since when did the word 'parent' become a verb? ...

when was the last time you heard someone say ...

'when i was childing in new jersey ...'?


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